Go Within

Go within for what you seek,
Hear your soul softly speak,
Still your mind,
And you will find,
Help in dealing with what must be,
Inner peace and serenity.

Give your anguish up to God,
Some things are just too hard,
Surrender and let go,
Tap into the divine flow,
Learning to accept with grace,
All in life that we may face.

Five More Minutes

The Compassionate Friends web site posed a question a few months ago that immediately made me cry.  The question was, What would you do if you could have five more minutes with your child who has died?  I wrote this poem thinking about this question.

If I could have five more minutes with my son who died,
I’d be so ecstatic that he was alive,
“I love you, I love you, I love you,” I’d say,
And how much he is missed each day.

I would hold him in a tight embrace,
While looking at his beloved face,
Telling him how thankful I am to have been his mother,
And for every moment we spent together.

I’d say how proud I was of him,
And that it means the world seeing him again,
Only five minutes, such a brief time,
But the possibility would be a lifeline.

I know I’d be crying continuous tears,
Overwhelmed that he could once more be here,
Knowing there were only minutes until he’d have to depart,
Would be a bittersweet agony in my heart.

If only this could be true,
And time could be something new,
Love can’t be measured by hours or minutes,
But there’s a hole in my life without him in it.

Another Year

Another year has gone by,
Three hundred sixty five more days I’ve cried,
The pain of my son’s passing never goes away,
I live with sorrow every single day.

Without him here life feels incomplete,
So many moments now are bittersweet,
A young man whose adult life was just ahead,
It doesn’t seem possible that he is dead.

There was so much we looked forward to,
A daughter-in-law and his children too,
A happy family that would often get together,
Celebrating love and each other.

Memories are all I have now to keep,
With love for my son that runs so deep,
But there is no greater treasure,
For me to cherish and remember.

A Pervasive Sadness

We set a place for Graham for our Christmas dinner yesterday.   I know he was with us in spirit, but we like to also have him symbolically at the table.  We love you, Graham, and are so grateful to have had 21 precious Christmases with you.  You are forever in our hearts.

 

I don’t know why my son passed away,
I miss him every single day,
A pervasive sadness stays with me,
Keeping constant company.

I still smile, but my smile holds sorrow,
For the loss of him in our tomorrows,
There was such joy while he was here,
And anticipation of the coming years.

The energy he brought to our lives is gone,
There is such emptiness as we carry on,
Nothing can ever take the place,
Of seeing our son’s beloved face.

I pray that love will fill this hole,
That has been torn into my soul,
Heavenly comfort to sustain me,
As I learn to accept what must be.

Our Child Forever

In the darkness with my tears,
Grieving that you are no longer here,
I rub my heart to ease the pain,
That has settled in my chest again.

I talk to you in my mind,
You are with me all the time,
Your dad and I mention you every day,
Because you are only thoughts away.

You remain our child forever,
Every moment shared we remember,
We often smile as well as cry,
With only memories since you died.

Occasions of humor and family joy,
Special times with our dear boy,
You couldn’t have been a more loving son,
We were blessed with your devotion.

I am so grateful to have been your mom,
And would give anything if you weren’t gone,
You live with me now in a spiritual way,
Your love encircles me each day.

I love you so very much,
I miss that we can’t physically touch,
Or pick up the phone and speak with you,
Like I always used to do.

Watch for us at Heaven’s gate,
Your dad and I know you wait,
With pure joy we will reunite,
In God’s love and celestial light.

The Magic of Love

Christmas 2006 was our last Christmas with Graham.  Here is a picture of Graham with his sister, Laura, with some of their gifts.  We cherish that last Christmas.  Nine months later Graham was gone in a moment, and our whole world changed. 

 

It now seems like a fantasy,
When you were my son here with me,
A wonderful magical time,
When I was yours and you were mine.

The future held no fears,
I looked forward to coming years,
You were always returning home,
Or talking with me on the phone.

I see you in my mind’s eye,
It’s so hard to believe you died,
Forever you will be twenty-two,
Time stopped then for me and you.

Perhaps time is not what we think,
That we have an eternal link,
And there can somehow still be magic,
Within an event that’s so tragic.

Love is what will transcend all pain,
From love is the magic that we gain,
You can never truly be separate from me,
Because love has no finality.

Forever By Our Sides

You’ve climbed that highest mountain,
Your earthly life is done,
You are home again in Heaven,
All your battles here won.

Some people live a lot of years,
Others only a few,
Many lives are only minutes,
Just briefly passing through.

What is the rhyme or reason?
We desperately want to know,
Our hearts are torn and aching,
Not wanting ever to let go.

Parents never think to bury their children,
Our minds don’t work that way,
We assume our children will remain here,
Long after we’ve passed away.

The shock and trauma of your child dying,
Is a pain beyond this earth,
Parents promise to love and care for,
Their children from their birth.

Although we no longer see our children,
Or hear their earthly voice,
They are a part of us forever,
In this we can rejoice.

Love is not the body,
Love does not die,
We miss their physical presence,
But know our children stay close by.

We feel them with us always,
Their love is now our guide,
We are blessed to have them with us,
Forever by our sides.

Love Unlocks the Door

How unreal and pointless life seems,
When death takes away your dreams,
There are no words to express,
The feelings of hopelessness.

It's not that you value others less,
But life loses a lot of its zest,
When your loved one will no longer be,
In this world for you to see.

The picture now feels so incomplete,
Without my son’s presence sweet,
Hard enough when a life was long,
But my child's death just seems so wrong.

My heart aches,
I live in heartbreak,
Without him here there is far less pleasure,
Only his memories to treasure.

I am working hard every day,
To feel joy again come my way,
Not wanting to focus on the pain,
Only the love from him we gained.

Life never stays the same,
It is all about change,
In the times we think we can't bear,
We can become more aware.

We move beyond our physical ties,
Seeing with our spiritual eyes,
That there must be a bigger plan,
To strive to understand.

The eternal truth and master key,
Is really not a mystery,
It is love that unlocks the door,
To what we are searching for.

I want to soar above,
Filled with faith and God’s love,
And in grace be transformed,
With joy and purpose reborn.

Article About Me and My Poetry in Our Local Newspaper

A Mother's Tears article in the Fredericksburg Freelance-Star

Gone But Not Forgotten

This is a beautiful new song from an up-and-coming recording artist, Danna Richards, that The Compassionate Friends linked to on facebook.  I wanted to share it here. 
Gone But Not Forgotten on Youtube

Contemplations

Sometimes I think I should be,
In a nunnery,
Its name "Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrows,"
Because that's how I see my tomorrows.

Endless days of pain and grief,
Hard to imagine any relief,
As each new day dawns,
I don't know how I manage to go on.

Every day since you died,
I have cried,
The tears cannot seem to stop,
So devastated by your loss.

Thoughts  of a life of contemplation,
If it could bring some consolation,
Has a certain appeal,
When life feels so unreal.

But I have other family that need me,
So I am working not to be,
Bound by chains of heartache,
For all of our sakes.

We don't have to live in isolation,
To find compensation,
And I think we must reach out,
To others that need help.

As time moves along,
I gradually feel more strong,
The fear is wondering when,
It's possible to feel happy again.

And that somehow if I do,
It will diminish the importance of you;
A mother doesn't want to let go,
It goes against every instinct she knows.

But in the mourning process if we open to hope,
Somehow managing to cope,
We can by surrendering what we want to keep,
Find that which we seek.

Healing for our broken hearts,
Comfort to know we are never truly apart,
Spirit as symbolized by the dove,
And above all else, love.

A Brighter Tomorrow

Help my sorrow to release,
So I may find inner peace,
Take away my cries and tears,
Remove from me all doubts and fears.

I want to walk in the light,
To make it through this dark night,
To find happiness in being alive,
Even though my son has died.

Does this pain ever go away?
Will it gradually ease each day?
There’s not a moment you are separate from me,
Together always, in memory.

In this way there is no death,
Because you live in every breath,
A physical change, but not of the soul,
The spirit remains vibrant and whole.

With Heaven’s aid and direction,
I still feel our love and connection,
Supporting me in this terrible sorrow,
With the faith to believe in a brighter tomorrow.

Thanksgiving Without You

It’s a dreary, rainy, cloudy day,
Everything is draped in gray,
The weather matches perfectly,
The melancholy blanketing me.

Three days from now will be Thanksgiving,
I never imagined you’d not be living,
Children shouldn’t die before their parents do,
It’s so hard to believe this is true.

Every day I pray for help,
To understand what this is about,
You are in your heavenly home,
And I feel so alone.

When we eat our pumpkin pie,
I will try not to cry,
It’s the one I would make for you,
You always enjoyed a slice or two.

It’s the little things that are bittersweet,
All the moments that make our lives complete,
Memories pieced together,
That stay with us forever.

There are smiles and there are tears,
For every single precious year,
I love you, Graham, I miss you so,
More than anyone could ever know.

Book Signing

I have my first book signing scheduled! I will be at the Borders bookstore in Central Park in Fredericksburg on Sunday, December 12th. from 2:00-4:00. If you are able to come I would love to see you. The holidays are a difficult time of year for so many people, especially when dealing with loss. I hope that this will be an opportunity to provide some comfort for other hurting people.