My Birthday

     Today is my birthday.  Three years ago Graham was here to help celebrate the day.  I have this great picture of the two of us taken after blowing out the candles on my cake - he is wearing one of his favorite shirts!  It's a wonderful memory.

The day has dawned bright and clear,
Another birthday without you here,
I am doing better this year than last,
With the three years that have passed.

I still see you with me back then,
Home with us for the celebration,
You watched as I put candles on my cake,
The one which I had happily baked.

I have a great picture of you and me,
It is a wonderful memory,
A mother and son sharing a special day,
Never imagining you would pass away.

I don’t like to see pictures of me now,
My face is not the same somehow,
I look a little sad and drawn,
Ever since you’ve been gone.

Maybe one day a spark of life will return,
As I continue to live and learn,
There will be no happily ever after,
But I have the memories of love and laughter.

Small Comforts

Two favorite shirts that you wore,
Hang on the back of our closet door,
After you died I hung them there,
To have the scent of you in the air.

One shirt is plaid, the other tan,
I like to keep them close at hand,
Western style shirts you wore with style,
Now bring a bittersweet smile.

I hold them and wish they were you,
I’d give anything for this to be true,
Inhaling your scent I cry,
Wondering why you had to die.

I talk to you and send hugs and kisses,
To the son this mother sorely misses,
I wish that I could still buy you shirts,
And not have a heart that always hurts.

The buffalo hide boots you loved so much,
Are in our room as well to touch,
Small things of comfort to keep you close,
When I am missing you the most.

Visual reminders of our wonderful boy,
And the years that were filled with so much joy,
I thank God that I was your mother,
And for what we meant to each other.

Rainbow's Promise

     Within a two or three day period I heard Israel "Iz" Kaʻanoʻi Kamakawiwoʻole's version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" four different times in several different ways.  I had never heard it before (the Judy Garland version was the only version I was familiar with).  I knew it was a message.  I think that it is extraordinary, a hauntingly beautiful song as performed by Iz (who seemed to have a beautiful heart and soul).  I found this YouTube video of him performing the song online when wanting to find out more about the artist - please check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1bFr2SWP1I (you can read the Wikipedia article on Iz at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Israel_Kamakawiwo%27ole).  I wrote this poem thinking about this song.

Rainbow’s Promise


A rainbow’s arc of spectral light,
What a glorious sight,
Seven colors to be seen,
Orange, yellow, and a lovely green,
Indigo, violet, red and blue,
Radiating with brilliant hues.

Flying through the rainbow,
That’s where I want to go,
Following songbirds and happy dreams,
To new heights yet unseen,
No more dark clouds or dreary skies,
Only light and lullabies.

Our teardrops will be gone,
When we go far beyond,
The proverbial pot of gold,
Will be ours to hold,
Among the stars in a dream come true,
Where everything is bright and new.

Angels Across the USA

     Last month my husband and I went to see Alan Pedersen at an event sponsored by our local Bereaved Parents of the USA chapter.  Alan is a singer/songwriter/speaker who lost his daughter in 2001.  Through this grief and trauma he has focused his talents on comforting the bereaved.  He has produced three beautiful CD's dealing with the loss of a child.

     For 2010 Alan and his wife are driving all across the country bringing his message to grieving families.  The tour is called Angels Across the USA.  Our son is one of the angels traveling with him.  Here is the link to read about his wonderful work:  http://www.angelsacrosstheusa.com/
 
   They've posted pictures of all of our angel children on their Angels Across the USA Facebook page; Graham's picture is the second picture in the second row on this page:
Angels last name S-Z      

   Bless Alan and his wife Denise in this inspired journey.  I wrote this poem after the evening we heard Alan speak.   

Angels across the USA,
Are our children who passed away,
Flying now with angelic wings,
Accompanying Alan as he sings.

Songs of hope and songs of faith,
Songs of love and heartbreak,
Our children are the chorus we hear,
Their voices blending strong and clear.

We love you angel daughters and sons,
Bring your message to everyone,
Love is eternal, love never dies,
Together forever, no final good-byes.

I See You

I see you when I close my eyes,

Or with my eyes open wide,

Whether I am awake or asleep,

When I laugh or when I weep.

I see you in a baby’s smile,

And in the laughter of a child,

When watching boys play and run,

With sticks and toys having fun.

I see you in my dreams at night,

And with the early morning light,

In a lovely pale blue sky,

Watching clouds floating by.

I see you in the twinkling stars,

Gazing upward from afar,

When I look at your apple trees,

And in the gentle morning breeze.

I see you in every change of season,

Or for no specific reason,

In a song that will play,

You are with me every day.

I see you in funny stories,

Crazy movies and artistic glory,

When visiting with your friends,

Everything reminds me of you again.

I see you with all the love I have to give,

Your body died but you still live,

My dearest son and dream come true,

I see you.

Save a Place for Me

   This amazing painting is by the gifted Lynda Vugler.  She is an architect and artist in New Zealand.  She painted this day and night for an entire week.  She had never met Graham, and composed this using pictures we sent her.  She told us she felt Graham's presence while she worked, aiding her in this extraordinary work.  We will be forever grateful for this precious gift.  You can see some of her work at her website,
http://www.simplysacredspaces.com/.

Save a place for me in Heaven,
I am knocking at the door,
When the time comes for me to enter,
You’re the one I’ll be looking for.

I am climbing God’s stairway,
Toward that heavenly glow,
Focused on forever,
There’s so much I want to know.

In the garden of the Divine,
All will be revealed,
I open my heart in acceptance,
Praying daily to be healed.

No more tears in Heaven,
Only love and peace prevail,
All burdens will be lifted,
When we move beyond the veil.

I feel your love surround me,
In God’s heavenly embrace,
With  a team of caring angels,
Guiding me with grace.

I love you more than ever,
And miss you every day,
Save a place for me in Heaven,
I am on my way.

Memory Tree

Memory Tree

Today we will plant a tree,

In loving memory,

Around its trunk we will tie,

A ribbon in white to signify,

That love never dies.

Your apple blossoms now bloom each year,

To let us know that you're still here,

In the air, their fragrance sweet,

Reminds us that we will meet,

Once again in Heaven's plan,

With joy untold hand in hand.

Another Spring

Spring is a time of awakening,
But when your heart is breaking,
There is a poignancy to this season,
Difficulty finding the reason;
To appreciate the birds now singing,
The signs of life the sun is bringing,
The budding trees,
The fresh new leaves.

The flowers are lovely, the breeze is mild,
But I don't have my child,
It's hard to get past the pain,
To focus on what was gained;
I want my heart to be filled with love,
And grateful remembrances of,
All the activities and the things,
That we would do each spring.

Your March birthday memories,
The fun Easter Sundays,
Special times we’ll forever recall,
As a family enjoying them all;
The bonds of love will always stay,
Time can never take love away,
I am learning to build my life anew,
With every precious memory of you.

 

 

 

Phoenix Rising

I have two choices,

To stay crippled from a killing blow,

Or to fight for the strength I didn’t know,

To rise up from the ashes and be happy again,

Or merely exist until my life ends.

Like the Phoenix I want to rise,

My son doesn’t want to see me cry,

I will not allow his death to be in vain,

In his life and love so much was gained.

I love you more than my heart can hold,

My love pours and overflows,

It is in love that we reunite,

Just beyond earthly sight.

The Phoenix is a symbol of recovery to see,

Especially after great calamity,

Rising from destruction in plumage of scarlet and gold,

Once more magnificent to behold.

Fire destroys but also rebuilds,

From the depths to new heights to fulfill,

I want to heal like the Phoenix bird,

A beautiful immortal soul in this world.

Sword Through The Heart

My husband and I visited dear friends who live in Germany in September.  We toured many beautiful cities in southern Germany and also went to Salzburg, Austria.  While we were in Salzburg we went in several magnificent churches and cathedrals.  These statues were in two of the churches in Salzburg.  It was overwhelming to me seeing  Mary and Jesus this way.  I stood there with tears running down my face, identifying so strongly with Mary as a mother who has also had a sword pierced through the heart.  I wrote this poem after this experience.

Mary was given a prophecy,
When Jesus was a baby,
Simeon told her in so many words,
Her heart would one day be pierced with a sword.

Mary pondered the words that he said,
Thoughts going around in her head,
But how could she ever imagine,
The crucifixion that would happen?

I identify with Mary and the sword through her heart,
My son died too, and I am torn apart,
The anguish of losing a beloved son,
Is beyond most people’s comprehension.

When a child dies, while not Christ on the cross,
Every mother feels the same loss,
Christ and Mary understand what mothers feel,
And with divine love and compassion help us to heal.

I pray for God’s mercy and grace,
So that I may have this sword replaced,
And in its stead my heart be filled,
With peace and love by Spirit instilled.