If Only

     Here are some of the last pictures we have of Graham.  They were taken on the Fourth of July, 2007, on our patio.  Our daughter and my parents and a few of our neighbors came to help celebrate the day.  It was a fun day of family and friends.  Sometimes the simplest times become cherished  memories.  Make the most of all your moments.

If dreams could come true,
I would still be with you,
We would never count the days,
Because you would not have passed away.

Each morning when I rise,
There would be no thought that you died,
Every day I would awake with joy,
Happy with life and my wonderful boy.

Sometimes dreams come to an end,
I’ll not see my son in this life again,
He’s the last thought when I go to bed at night,
And my first thought with the morning light.

If only you were not really dead,
And would be coming home instead,
I’d like to pretend you’ve just been away for awhile,
Separated by nothing more than miles.

Time moves differently now that you are gone,
It’s so hard to keep moving on,
You are remembered and loved more than I can say,
And I miss you every single day.

Reflections of Love

     This weekend I will be attending The Compassionate Friends 33rd  national conference in Arlington, Virginia.  The Compassionate Friends is a national organization for parents who have lost children.  There are over 600 local chapters across the country.  This is the first time I'll be going to one of their national conferences. Fortunately for me, it is not far!  I hope that it will be a very healing experience.  There will be several speakers, all of whom have lost children.   Over a 100 different workshops will be offered.  The event ends with a Memory Walk.  The walkers will be carrying the names of thousands of children that have died.  People from all over the country sent in their children's names to be remembered if they are unable to attend or walk themselves.  I will be walking in Graham's memory, my beautiful angel boy.

     I wrote a poem using the theme for this years conference.

   Here's a link to the Compassionate Friends National Conference web page:

  http://www.compassionatefriends.org/News_Events/2010_TCF_National_Conference.aspx

Reflections of love, visions of hope,
This year’s theme to help parents to cope,
Coming together in shared heartache and loss,
Shattered by the enormity of the cost.

Our children are gone, our hearts are broken,
What words can ever be spoken?
Traveling a path in a world now unknown,
It’s comforting to know we need not walk alone.

Compassionate friends all carrying grief,
Driven to heal and to find some relief,
Searching for hope in our lives once more,
Because they will never be as they were before.

Joining hands with each other,
We reflect and remember,
The ties of the heart with our children,
Grateful for the gift we were given.

It is in love that we will survive,
Love that  keeps our sons and daughters alive,
Our children never really leave,
They are with us in every breath we breathe.

Love Like No Other

Time heals all wounds they say,
I am waiting for that day,
It’s been years and I still cry,
Missing my son that died.

Love between a child and mother,
Is love like no other,
Death cannot sever this bond,
The ties of the heart are much too strong.

The pain may soften a little over time,
But the wound is never left behind,
Forever there will be an ache in my heart,
Sorrow that we must be apart.

I never imagined that he'd not be here,
To love and cherish through the years,
A treasured son I can no longer see,
Held close in loving memory.

I'll Love You Forever

Please give me a message, show me a sign,
Let me know we’re connected through time,
Physically parted, souls still entwined,
I’ll love you forever, child of mine.

You were once a part of me,
My cherished little baby,
A treasured son come to earth,
When I was blessed to give you birth.

I sang you sweet lullabies,
Quieted your baby cries,
I soothed your childhood fears,
Dried away all your tears.

You filled my life in so many ways,
Bringing purpose to my days,
I couldn’t have loved you any more than I do,
How can your life be through?

Where are you now my son?
I’ll  miss you forever precious one,
Our years together seem like a dream,
What does my life now mean?

My world has been torn apart,
But you are written across my heart,
You will always be a part of me,
Connected through eternity.

Father's Day

This picture is from our last Father's Day with Graham in 2007.  I wrote this poem last year.  Graham drove home for the day to be with his dad.  He had been out in the country with some of his friends, so he cruised in a little disheveled!

Another Father’s Day is here,
The second one without you here,
Two years ago I had saved,
The card for your dad that you gave.

I got it out for your dad again,
To read and feel the love that it sends,
We remember that last Father’s Day,
So grateful that summer you were able to stay.

Your father and I are so proud of you,
We think of you in all we do,
Incomprehensible that you are gone,
We are doing our best to carry on.

An amazing young man and cherished son,
You filled our world with adventure and fun,
We are so grateful to have been your mom and dad,
And for every moment that we had.

God's Promise

God promises that one day our tears will be wiped away,
Help me to have faith this anguish won’t stay,
When broken-hearted and crushed with sorrow,
It hurts too much to think of tomorrow.

Just making it through each day,
Is more difficult than I can say,
The emptiness without you here,
Is beyond my darkest fear.

Why did God call your name?
Nothing will ever be the same,
I just assumed that you would always be,
In this world as a part of me.

My beloved son and treasured friend,
Your body died, but that’s not the end,
Holy Spirit, Infinite Light,
With love and compassion, renew my sight.

The Song in my Heart

As deep as all the oceans and the seas,
That’s what our love meant to me,
As limitless as the skies,
You were the sparkle of joy in my eyes.

Every day was an adventure with you,
I never knew what you would do,
You had brilliant ideas and wonderful plans,
We were looking forward to seeing firsthand.

With movie star looks and the greatest smile,
You were my handsome golden child,
An ambitious young man pursuing your dreams,
With your artistic vision as the means.

Some days I feel strong,
Others like I’m barely hanging on,
Having you die before I do,
Is an anguish I can’t believe I’m going through.

I was beside you every step of your way,
You brought joy to my world each day,
A mother loving her dearest son and friend,
Never imagining our time would end.

You are the song in my heart,
Death cannot keep us apart,
I will celebrate you until the day I die,
When we will never again say good-bye.

Without You

Losing a child feels totally wrong,
I am working hard to be strong,
I love all of my family,
But there is an empty place inside of me.

Just to make it through each day,
Is more agonizing than I can say,
Why, God, does this have to be?
Is there something greater for me to see?

So much of my life was built around you,
Isn’t that normal for a mother to do?
I was focused on helping you progress,
As your mother, wanting your best.

There was such satisfaction in watching you grow,
A special young man for everyone to know,
Your happiness gave me great joy,
It’s what I hoped for the most, my precious boy.

I know in Heaven there are no worries or stress,
And that you are filled with great happiness,
While I am human and still living here,
I just wish that you were near.

I miss you every minute,
Life’s so hard without you in it,
I pray this pain will one day end,
And I will feel joy once again.

Never Apart

     In September my husband and I flew to Germany for a two week vacation.  It was exactly two years since Graham died.  I had only been away from our house overnight a few times during this period.  I didn't realize that being gone from home longer would be so emotional until I was sitting on the plane.  While waiting to take off, I started to cry.  I was trying to figure out why, and wrote this poem.  Later, I realized that we get into routines that bring us some comfort as we are grieving.  When you step out of that pattern, it can be difficult. 

Your dad and I are flying to Germany today,
To tour and visit friends along the way,
It’s emotional as I wait to fly,
Because it feels as if I’m saying good-bye.

It’s been two years since you died,
But when I’m home you feel close by,
I didn’t know that venturing so far from home,
Could make me feel more alone.

It’s not a rational way to feel,
You are with me always as I heal,
I feel your love surrounding me,
Like a hug I cannot see.

I wish that as the flight ascends,
I could visit you in heaven,
Or touch you on a shining star,
Instead of gazing upward from afar.

Fanciful concepts that are not true,
But lovely imaginings as I think of you,
You are actually very near,
Living in a different sphere.

Help me to enjoy this vacation,
And think of you in celebration,
Because we are never really apart,
You are with me in every beat of my heart.

No Right or Wrong

There are no shortcuts when in grief,
The wound is much too deep,
Like learning to live without a limb,
You somehow manage to go on,
But you are always aware of what is gone.

There is no right or wrong way in mourning,
Emotions often give no warning,
You can be functioning normally,
The next minute sobbing uncontrollably.

If you just want to go to bed, go ahead,
If you want to eat ice cream,
Feel free, by all means,
Don't let people tell you what to do,
They can only imagine what you're going through.

And if they knew the reality,
They would be on their knees,
For me, there is no greater pain,
Than knowing I won't see my son again,
No longer able to give him my love and care,
Is almost more than I can bear.

Somehow the days go by,
And I can only try,
To slowly build my life anew,
Without the physical presence of you.

I know the body is not the whole,
I just miss you so,
If I could have but one wish,
It would be to have you here to hug and kiss.

Despite the anguish now a part of me,
For the dreams we will not see,
I am grateful for the years,
You enriched our lives while you were here.

I wouldn't trade a single day,
For nothing will ever outweigh,
The unconditional love we knew,
For every moment we had with you.