A Birthday Candle

Today is Graham's  birthday.  He would be 25 years old.  I wrote this poem  thinking about his birthday and the candle we will have burning all day in his memory.  He is with us always.

This morning we light a candle,
And watch the flame at play,
A candle lit with all our love,
On this special day.

Gone, but not forgotten,
Forever in our hearts,
The candle flame reminds us,
We are never far apart.

A life and love remembered,
We honor you this day,
And celebrate our moments,
Time can never take away.

For each precious memory,
For every treasured year,
We are so very grateful,
For the time that you were here.

Happy birthday to you in Heaven,
Feel the wishes that we send,
We’ll be your mom and dad forever,
Our love will never end.

These are pictures from last year when we had Graham's closest friends over to celebrate his birthday.  The day was much easier with them here.  It was wonderful to reminisce about the good times they all had together.  We are very thankful that Graham had such good friends.  Their love and continued ties with us mean so much.   Thank you Julia, Mike, Vineet, and Jack.

 

     

                                       

We are having a birthday party for you this year,
 Your good friends will all be here,
Twenty-four years old you would be today,
Had you not passed away.

There will be lots of food that I will make,
And your handsome face is on the cake,
Birthday candles, plates and napkins,
It's still so hard to believe this happened.

In our backyard,
Where your apple trees are,
We will release balloons,
Commemorating a life gone too soon.

With messages of remembrance and love,
To float to you in the sky above,
The day will be bittersweet,
Mixed feelings of joy and grief.

Joy for every moment we shared,
The love that was beyond compare,
Sorrow that our time together is gone,
We must now look beyond.

Certain you will join us in spirit,
Will surely help to cheer us,
As we celebrate a life well lived,
With all the love that we can give.

Shining Star

Wherever I am, there you are,

My bright and shining golden star,

A beacon of love helping me,

Become all I am meant to be.

The physical body dies,

But the soul survives,

And with your eternal support and love,

You guide me to what I am capable of.

Broken open from pain and loss,

On my knees with the cost,

I pray the scars on my heart will mend,

Knowing that love never ends.

Choose Love

How do you measure grief,

However long or brief?

For whatever time we have to treasure,

There is no way for this to measure.

Whether infant, child, teenager, or senior,

Whatever the time that we linger,

There is no way to compare,

Another person’s despair.

We can choose to stay broken and bitter,

But we must consider,

In choosing this instead of love,

We block the healing from above.

With a divine team on the other side,

Our loved ones watch and gently guide,

As we work through our pain and sadness,

Spirit wraps its love around us.

In God’s grace I want to live,

In all ways to forgive,

Give me the strength to carry on,

When it feels as if all hope is gone.

Angel Boy

(To see the stars, click for larger picture.)

My angel boy in Heaven,

Spread your wings and fly,

High amidst the clouds and stars,

Across a twinkling sky.

Another ray of starlight,

Beside a brilliant moon,

Your spirit soars with happiness,

Singing a glorious tune.

A spark of God reunited,

Luminous in your joy,

At home again in Heaven,

My darling angel boy.

Shine your light upon me,

Help me find my way,

The days are filled with shadows,

Since you passed away.

Lead me on to Heaven,

When I die and am reborn,

Sparkling like a diamond,

Where no longer I will mourn.

Two lights that will be shining,

Forever side by side,

With the company of angels,

We’ll joyfully abide.

A Missing Piece

Blindsided, torn apart,

With a fractured, broken heart,

What am I here for?

My life is strewn across the floor,

Like a jigsaw puzzle with a missing piece,

Will I ever be at ease,

With the anguish inside of me,

For the picture that will never be?

The old picture that was you,

Was what I wanted, not something new;

I love you more than I can say,

And every day you've been away,

Leaves an empty space,

That nothing can ever replace;

Help me build my life anew,

Make it possible for me to do.

With God's help and all your love,

Show me what I am capable of,

That a new picture, while not the old,

Can still be worthwhile to hold;

Even though your body died,

I feel you always by my side,

The memory of our time together,

Will live with me forever.

No Regrets

When your heart is broken,

If words had not been spoken,

Those thoughts would play across your mind,

Sorrow for the waste of time.

So grateful there are no regrets,

For words that were not said,

We spoke most every day,

And you would always say.

I love you, Mom, and I'd say, I love you too,

Just a natural thing to do;

Take every chance you can,

So your loved ones understand,

The place they hold within your heart,

The anguish if they'd depart.

Wrap your loved ones in your care,

Helping them to be aware,

The gift of family while they're here,

To love and cherish every year.

Dragonfly

I wrote this with a friend in mind who lost her son too.  She has had several unusual dragonfly occurrences since her son died.  Many people feel that our loved ones in spirit use dragonflies as a sign of  their continued love and connection.  ( My husband was lucky to capture this great  picture of a dragonfly for me to use with this poem)!

Dragonflies represent change,
And beside water they like to range,
They also represent our subconscious mind,
And relate to thoughts during meditative times.

A meaningful sign when they appear,
Letting us know our departed ones are near,
Sending us their energy of harmony and peace,
With their beautiful wings to comfort and ease.

I thank the angels each time I see,
A dragonfly circling around me,
It may seem trivial to a few,
But I know they are sent with love by you.

Always Near

Every day I feel you near,

Your spirit and energy are still here,

Because I don’t see you physically,

Doesn’t mean you cease to be.

In my life you will always stay,

Nothing can take your presence away,

Grateful for every moment we had together,

Comforted in knowing our love is forever.

I work to not dwell in the past,

Because the blessing of you will forever last,

To bring that forward to the now,

Is what I strive to accomplish somehow.

I am doing the best that I can,

I pray that Spirit understands,

The mourning process is long and slow,

My child’s death not a grief I thought to know.

So many emotions to process and release,

On the road to finding peace,

Thank you for the signs you’ve shown,

To help me not feel so alone.

Knowing you are part of a divine team,

Always present, but not necessarily seen,

Gives me strength to journey on,

When I feel all joy is gone.

Bless you angels, bless you guides,

Thank you loved ones on the other side,

I feel the support and love from you,

With the deepest gratitude.

Heavenly solace for soul-deep pain,

Divine love for me to gain,

Open my heart so that I may receive,

The gift of grace to heal and believe.

The Saddest Words

The saddest words I can ever say,

Are that I had a son, but he passed away,

No one, however aware,

Can imagine the pain that I now bear.

Why would this be assigned,

To me in this lifetime?

How could I ever choose to part,

With the treasure of my heart?

There is nothing that will ever fix,

A world that's been blown to bits,

One day all you thought to be true,

No longer applies to you.

A wake up call,

That takes your all,

And leaves you screaming,

Searching for meaning.

My life is all asunder,

But I don't want to go under,

I'm grasping for the lifeline,

To make it through this time.

Shall I sink or shall I swim,

I don't know where to begin,

Sometimes I'd like to float away,

Not having to struggle another day.

Now my inside is coming out,

Helping to remove fear and doubt,

So I take another stroke,

Gradually moving toward the hope.

That in time the seas will calm,

And I will find the balm,

Because everything that I need,

Is really right inside of me.

Sacred Union

Germany and Austria were our destination,

When my husband and I went on vacation,

There were many churches we had the chance to view,

Such a privilege to be able to do.

Centuries old churches in baroque style grandeur,

Magnificent biblical paintings in wondrous splendor,

Gilded angels and saints in gold,

Awe-inspiring to behold.

Mary figures with expressions of peace,

Lovingly gazing outward to bring all relief,

One feels the presence of God and his hosts,

Christ, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.

I lit a candle in every church we went in,

And said a prayer for you in Heaven,

Silent tears I cried,

For our beloved son that died.

You are in spirit infused with joy,

In Heaven with all of God’s envoys,

A sacred union to look forward to,

When my life is over and I join you.

(Click pictures for larger version.)

I May Look Like I Am Fine

I may look like I am fine,

When people see me from time to time,

But at any moment I can cry,

Emotions changing in the blink of an eye.

It’s been almost a full two years,

Since you were last here,

Yet it seems like only yesterday,

That you passed away.

I still think that you’ll come home,

And you will telephone,

Your room is waiting for you,

How can this be true?

Everything feels so surreal,

What is this karmic wheel?

I want to get off this treadmill of pain,

Transforming in spiritual gain.

You were my child, but I must let you go,

Because no one ever owns a soul,

A gift from Heaven for whatever the time,

I was blessed to call you mine.

Grains of Sand

I watched you suffer, and I suffered too,

Growing up was so hard for you,

A vulnerable, sensitive boy,

Life was difficult for you to enjoy.

I did my very best,

To help you find happiness,

You worked hard and were doing well,

So many ideas for you to tell.

I admired your determination,

Your strength of will and dedication,

You persevered and made great strides,

Fighting against life’s tides.

I thought that as your mother,

We would always be together,

Loving and encouraging you,

In everything you wanted to do.

An upside down world for you to die before me,

Six months shy of twenty-three,

Just when you were about to go out on your own,

To realize the seeds you’d sown.

You were only passing through,

Twenty-two years was all we knew,

Like little grains of sand,

Time slid through my hand.

I can not yet fully grasp,

What from me has been asked,

How do I let you go,

When you are part of my very soul?

I search for strength from my inner core,

To be happy and filled with joy once more,

Because the love that ran so deep,

Is forever ours to keep.

Direction

What is the roadmap for my soul?

I would dearly love to know,

So much sorrow I hold within,

I don’t know where to begin.

Starting life over after losing you,

Is the most painful thing I must do,

I am left here on earth weeping,

For part of my heart is now in your keeping.

A mother grieving her dearest son,

With no idea how it’s done,

Every day is a test,

I want my soul to be at rest.

Somehow I will see this through,

What else is there for me to do?

Show me the guideposts to follow each day,

As I struggle to find my way.

Traces of You

I almost assume,

When I look in your room,

That you will be standing there,

Alive and aware.

I look at your bed,

Where you last laid your head,

And I press my nose to your pillow,

Because the scent of you still lingers there,

A faint trace in the air.

I hug your pillow and wish that it was you,

Crying and saying, our moments were too few,

Without you here, I don't know what to do.

Your artwork is on your walls,

Beautiful photographs to remind us all,

Of how fortunate we were while you were here,

How you brightened so many of our years.

Now my world feels destroyed,

How do I fill the void?

The future is not what I thought it would be,

Time seems to stretch endlessly.

Building a life anew,

Is an agonizing process to go through,

Anything else in life seems mild,

In comparison to losing your child.

Love is the answer to every question we scream,

Love is for what we dream,

I pray for love in all its forms,

Because it is in love that we are reborn.

I know in my heart that this is true,

And I am finding this path through the loss of you,

The sacrifice on both our parts,

Will strengthen our hearts.

Let me feel the universal flow,

To come to know,

That love can not be divided,

When in spirit we are forever united.

   Graham had this picture on the door of his apartment, and we framed it and put it on the wall of his room here (it can be seen on the wall in the picture at the top of this post).  He produced this image using his skill with Photoshop acquired while studying graphic design, putting his face into a portrait by  Jacques-Louis David of General Étienne-Maurice Gérard (1773–1852), Marshal of France (the original can be seen here).  He loved the idea of being depicted as a sea captain or admiral (he didn't think anyone would know it was really a French general).  He planned to use this on his business card.