A New Year

In 2007 you went to heaven,

Now it is 2009,

Where is the time?

I cried when the new year came,

For nothing was the same,

Without you here it felt so wrong,

To have time move along.

There was the fear,

That with each new year,

Your memory might fade,

 Taking us further away,

Crazy, I know, because where could you go?

You are always here with me,

In every single breath I breathe.

It doesn't matter how much time passes,

Or what year it is,

Because love never disappears;

So march on, time, you can never erase,

The cherished moments forever embraced;

Deeply embedded within our hearts,

Neither time nor distance can ever part.

The Key That Binds

Graham helped us with so many things after we moved into our new house.  This is a picture of him helping me paint the deck.  I miss the companionship and fun that we had spending time together.  He was my son, and my friend.

Your death has taken a heavy toll,
I feel so lost without the role,
Of mother to my wonderful son,
Adviser, friend and companion.

My energy is not the same,
It’s slower now and laced with pain,
A heaviness lies within my heart,
Now that we are physically apart.

I am working hard every day,
To understand my life this way,
I am weary and want the faith,
That your death was no mistake.

With God’s holy grace,
Take away my heartache,
Only love I want to feel,
Help my broken heart to heal.

To remember and be grateful for,
Every year we had before,
You crossed over to the other side,
In peace and harmony to abide.

Together still, but differently,
Help me to more clearly see,
That we are bound beyond constraints of time,
Because love is the key that binds.

Breathe

Dear God, help me find the peace,

That comes with the sweet release,

Of all resentments, fears or pains,

Anger or judgments where nothing is gained.

These emotions only hurt yourself,

Take a breath, then breathe them out,

Making room inside,

Inviting Spirit to reside.

 I want a harmonious living space,

With strength and courage to be able to face,

What each day holds in store for me,

Walking forward confidently.

In happiness, trust and faith,

Surrounded by God's holy grace,

Consciously moving toward the light,

Surrounded by love day and night.

Family Christmas Tree

Family Christmas Tree


There are many special ornaments to see,
Upon our beautiful Christmas tree,
Bought with love from far and near,
They tell our story from year to year.

Our first Christmas together was 1980,
The year that we were married,
We became proud parents in 1982,
When our lovely daughter joined us two.

Three years later our son was born,
On a March Korean morn,
In the Army while stationed overseas,
Was where our son joined us three.

Major milestones in our life,
Once we became husband and wife,
With ornaments to mark these occasions,
In happiness and celebration.

A red and gold angel is on top of the tree,
Gazing out in serenity,
A celestial guardian of all we hold dear,
As we decorate the tree each year.

There are angels and stars,
Saxophones and guitars,
Musical instruments our children played,
On the branches all arrayed.

Old fashioned Santas and Sheltie ornaments too,
Bells and birds to name a few,
Soldiers and trains, snowmen and dolls,
With red and gold poinsettias surrounding them all.

A Christmas tree that tells a story,
Of love and family in all its glory,
Sadly, there is also pain,
For we will not see our son again.

Two years ago he suddenly died,
Leaving us to wonder why,
Memorial ornaments now also adorn our tree,
Keeping our son close in loving memory.

A tree of love, a tree of hope,
A tree of sadness and of ways to cope,
Within its branches a tale to tell,
Of a family who loved long and well.

Night Sky

Night Sky

My husband and I,
Sleep underneath a beautiful night sky,
Painted on the ceiling above our bed,
As we gaze directly overhead.

A September sky with a lovely full moon,
And shining stars that fill up our room,
The Aries constellation is painted there too,
Our son’s Zodiac sign for us to view.

The sky as it was on the night he died,
Painted by his friend with an artistic eye,
With a line from a poem painted on one end,
A memorial written by my dear friend.

It comforts me as I go to sleep at night,
And when I wake with the morning light,
Our son is never very far,
Our bright and shining golden star.

Graham

He was a bright and shining star,
I could see his reflection in your eyes,
Now he runs across the night,
His magic lights up the skies.

Vivian West
2007

I Love You So

If I could, I would hold you tight,
I would hug you with all my might,
I would never let you go,
My son, I love you so.

I never wanted to say goodbye,
Every day I still cry,
Why can’t you be here?
It’s so lonely without you near.

You filled my life with so much joy,
But now there is a terrible void,
What can ever fill the hole,
That has been torn into my very soul?

The anguish is almost more than I can stand,
What is my life’s plan?
I thought I was doing what I came here to do,
I found so much meaning in being the mother of you.

I pray for Spirit to enter in,
To feel God’s love from within,
And with divine wisdom to come to see,
What my soul’s purpose is now to be.
 

Phoenix

Ever since your demise,
I see the world with different eyes.
The world I thought I knew,
Now has a different view.

Through this loss, pain and ache
There is a different road to take;
I don't know where it will go,
But I am on it, this I know.

Heal my shattered, broken heart,
Help me find the fresh, new start;
I long to have my spirit mend,
Let me feel the love you send.

Like the Phoenix, I want to fly,
Wings outstretched, flying high;
So that when I am gone,
The message is, love lives on.

A Day of Remembrance

  We went to our local Compassionate Friends candle lighting observance earlier today (see my last posting http://amotherstears.blogspot.com/2009/12/worldwide-candle-lighting.html).
I read three poems.  Here is the one that I wrote specifically for the day, and pictures of  our precious children (click on the pictures for larger versions).

Worldwide Candle Lighting

All of our lost children, young and old,
We gather now and gently hold,
Remembering with our every breath,
That love never ends, not even in death.

A heartbroken group of fathers and mothers,
With a sorrow unimaginable to others,
Struggling to overcome the most devastating blow,
Bonded in grief we never thought to know.

With each candle that we light,
We feel our children’s spirits burning bright,
 Every beloved child’s face we see,
Forever in our memory.

In the candles’ golden glow,
Even though our tears still flow,
We cherish every moment we had with you,
Though the days were far too few.

 We love you now, we’ll love you forever,
As your parents we will always treasure,
The blessing of our daughters and sons,
Our dearly loved, precious ones.

Worldwide Candle Lighting

The second Sunday in December every year Compassionate Friends (a national self help organization for grieving families who have lost children) holds a Worldwide Candle Lighting to honor the memory of children who have died too young at any age.  It's held in December because of the difficult holiday season.  At 7:00 PM local time candles will be lit for an hour around the world to remember all children that have died.  Local chapters will have their own observances.  My local chapter is having their candle lighting earlier in the day.  I have been asked to read a few of my poems for this.  I wrote one especially for the day that I will post on Sunday.  There is a beautiful song on The Compassionate Friends website you can listen to, at the bottom of this page:  http://www.compassionatefriends.org/News_Events/Worldwide_Candle_Lighting.aspx.

A Year Of Firsts

Today is my husband's birthday.  Special occasions always remind us even more of Graham's physical absence.  This is a picture of my husband and Graham in December 2006 celebrating the day.  Graham always made an effort to come home, especially for special occasions. We are so grateful to have these moments in our hearts.

The first year after you died,
I was just trying to survive,
Every day felt like a week,
I was overwhelmed in grief.

Trying to make it through each first,
Was beyond imagining in its hurt,
The first Thanksgiving without you here,
Was the first holiday we had to fear.

Your dad’s birthday came next,
So empty without you to expect,
You always added so much fun,
What a joy to have had our son.

Then it was Christmas when you were sorely missed,
I never thought I’d have to endure this,
My favorite family time of celebration,
Will never be the same occasion.

I could not send a card to you,
On Valentine’s Day like I used to do,
No more cards to sons about love,
Or candy treats you were fond of.

In March you would have been twenty-three,
But it was never meant to be,
No more birthdays to share with you,
Memories will have to carry us through.

Easter was the next special day,
And it was not observed in the same way,
It was a more quiet time of reflection,
With deeper thoughts about Christ’s resurrection.

My birthday was in April and I missed you so,
The pain was more than I could know,
Without you here to share the day,
Was sadder than I can ever say.

Mother’s Day was bittersweet,
I felt so incomplete,
Last Mother’s Day you had spent with me,
And all of the family.

The following month was June,
In which Father’s Day came too soon,
No longer here to share with your dad,
How could we not feel bad?

We had no 4th of July picnic that year,
Like we did when you were near,
No get together of food and fun,
It wouldn’t have been the same without our son.

The most difficult first was in September,
The month you died and we’ll always remember,
An anniversary we never imagined,
Inconceivable this happened.

Somehow a year passed by,
Without a day I didn’t cry,
No more firsts to face with dread,
Screams of why inside my head.

On special occasions we set your place,
And on your birthday we have a cake,
We light a candle for you each night,
To hold you close in eternal light.

Two years now have passed,
Since we saw you last,
I still cry every day,
The pain never goes away.

It’s not as piercing of an ache,
But my heart still breaks,
I’m learning to live each day as it comes,
To find some peace with each setting sun.

The future is never ours to know,
Cherish every moment and learn and grow,
I work to focus on what was gained,
To remember the love and joy, not the pain.
 

A Christmas Wreath

A Christmas Wreath


This will be the third December,
We will place a wreath and remember,
Every Christmas memory of our son,
From his birth until age twenty-one.

An evergreen wreath with a red velvet bow,
A symbolic sign on his grave to show,
Undying love and gratitude for,
The son we will miss forever more.

 

Christmas Sorrow and Joy

These are a few pictures from the last Christmas that we had with Graham.  It was December 2006.  He was a junior in college.  It was a wonderful Christmas.  We treasure the memories of that special time.

Christmas was only three months after you died,

I don’t know how I survived,

The thought of no presents for you under the tree,

Emotionally brought me to my knees.

I had artwork framed that you had done,

Beautiful images from our son,

And ordered an afghan with your picture and a poem,

To wrap up in while I’m at home.

I found ornaments for you with special meaning,

Lovely angels and bright stars gleaming,

Memorial items for the house,

To feel your presence all about.

I was still Christmas shopping for you,

Without consciously meaning to,

Finding some comfort for the anguish within,

Working desperately not to give in.

Two years later I am making progress,

For you I can do no less,

Working to accept each day,

And to understand my life this way.

Change is inevitable, that is true,

But how could I expect losing you?

I have to accept what I cannot change,

Because life will never be the same.

Love is the constant to depend on,

Whether in this world or beyond,

The physical body dies,

But love survives.

So, as the holidays draw near again,

Feel the love to you I send,

And bless you with gratitude and cheer,

For the time that you were here.

 

Heartache

Sometimes my chest is heavy and I can’t breathe,

Everything starts to seize,

My heart hurts and I start to cry,

Wondering why you had to die.

Heartache is not just a term,

As I have sadly come to learn,

It’s painful and it’s real,

A hurt you pray one day will heal.

So often scars do not show,

Others may never know,

The pain in varying degrees,

That one may carry that we don’t see.

Your death has opened my eyes,

To anguish that can be inside,

And how many people there are,

Bearing similar scars.

Loss makes you understand much more,

Than you ever could before,

It rips you open and makes you bleed,

More compassionate to those in need.

 Underneath we are all the same,

No one lives without any pain,

Let me in love reach out,

Helping others in darkness and doubt.

My Heart Keeps Beating

Somehow my heart keeps beating,
And I am still breathing,
The sun rises each morning and sets each night,
Evening darkness and morning light.

The world still revolves and life moves on,
But it’s fundamentally altered now that you are gone,
I miss you son, I miss my friend,
I never imagined your life would end.

Two years ago you passed away,
But it feels like only yesterday,
I sometimes imagine that you’ll walk through our door,
Coming home to visit once more.

I would give anything for this to be true,
To have the life back that we knew,
Mentally I know there’s a purpose for this to be,
Emotionally I just want you here with me.

You live in my heart every minute of every day,
Feel the love I send your way,
Thank you Graham, for being my son,
My heart’s joy and treasured one.

Holidays

The holidays are a particularly poignant time of year,

With friends and family gathering near,

We have fond memories of holidays past,

Amazed the years go by so fast.

In our minds a movie plays,

Of the many wonderful holidays,

We smell the turkey and taste the pies,

And sip hot apple cider with happy sighs.

Sometimes we travel, sometimes stay home,

So very fortunate if we’re not alone,

Good spirits and laughter fill the air,

With hugs and sharing everywhere.

Catching up on the latest news,

And remembering old family stories too,

It’s these special memories that remain in our hearts,

Softening the pain when loved ones depart.

Cook up a feast and say a prayer,

For our many blessings and be aware,

To cherish each moment and give praise,

For the blessing that love brings to our days.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving


On Thanksgiving day we will say a prayer,
With family and friends gathered there,
Thankful to all be together,
Sharing the holiday with each other.

There will be a place set at the table for you,
Knowing you will be joining us too,
Looking down from heaven above,
Surrounding us with your love.

Your physical absence will be keenly felt,
But your spiritual presence will be all about,
You never missed a holiday while you were here,
Death won’t keep you from being near.

Happy Thanksgiving, dearest one,
We are so blessed you were our son,
We thank God for the gift of you,
And remember you in all we do.

Angelic Arms

Heavenly wings gently enfold,

Cradle me and comfortingly hold,

I cannot live each day in grief,

Rock me softly and bring relief.

Whisper words of joy and peace,

Acceptance and thanks to help and ease,

Songs of love to soothe the soul,

Repairing my heart to make it whole.

Swaying gently in angelic arms,

Safe from all earthly harms,

I will find the strength to take,

All the choices I need to make.

A leap of faith with soul conviction,

Love without any restriction,

Held close, then let go,

With divine assurance to come to know.

We are always surrounded by heavenly care,

Help me to become more aware,

To focus on the gifts through time,

Bestowed upon us by the divine.

Light of Love

I light a candle for you each night,

And watch the flame burning bright;

A visual remembrance of the love we knew,

When we were blessed to have you.

The golden glow its warmth imparts,

And keeps you within my heart;

Surrounded by you night and day,

Forever you will stay,

Within my thoughts, my heart, my mind,

Through all the passages of time.

When I Learned That You Had Died

This picture was taken Thanksgiving 2006 at Graham's grandparents'.

When I learned that you had died,

I was numb inside,

I was in disbelief, I didn’t cry,

I just couldn’t fathom why.

Just that morning we were on the phone,

Talking about plans for coming home,

You were only an hour away,

I said next weekend would be OK.

The previous weekend you’d been here,

It was wonderful you lived so near,

Many college students live far away,

But you could always come home and stay.

What a gift that was for us,

We never had to adjust,

To you being much too far,

To ever get to you by car.

You were home for all occasions,

Adding to the celebrations,

For being young and twenty-two,

We had the most possible time that we could have with you.

I wonder now if that was planned,

As compensation by a Divine hand,

Knowing that you were never meant to be,

Here for the years we thought you’d be.

The pain is beyond what I can say,

Ever since you passed away,

So many moments are bittersweet,

With our family now incomplete.

Within my heart there is a hole,

That travels to my very soul,

I pray that in victory we will meet,

Not in agony and defeat.

So I work hard each day,

To remember with thankfulness and praise,

Every year we had with you,

And all the joy and love we knew.

Shattered by Loss

Broken and bleeding at the foot of the cross,
Shattered by my loss,
Every day I pray and say,
Please, God, take this pain away.

The burden is much too heavy for me to bear,
Let me become more aware,
Of a world that I cannot clearly see,
Comforted by the touch of divinity.

I long to feel the angels' wings,
To hear heavenly choirs that sing,
I want to feel God’s love,
And know that I am taken care of.

The universe is vast, and I am small,
But I am part of it all,
Clear away my doubts and fears,
Build my faith in coming years.

Show me what my part is,
I want to more fully live,
To put together my broken pieces,
Assured that love never ceases.

The Strike of a Clock

Death came suddenly while I was asleep,

On unobserved silent feet,

I didn’t know when I went to bed,

In the morning I’d learn you were dead.

At fifty two with the strike of a clock,

The life I knew came to a stop,

One little movement of a clocks hands,

Ended your precious life span.

Each day now is a struggle to get through,

It’s as if half of me went with you,

Your young life was far too brief,

How does a mother live with this grief?

There is no answer for this question,

I can only pray the pain will lessen,

And that all thoughts will be of joy,

For the gift of my cherished boy.

Earthly Eyes Cannot See

 Earthly eyes cannot see,
That you walk next to me,
Hand in hand by my side,
With me always as I stride.


On earth you were my treasured son,
In Heaven still linked with me as one,
Heartbreaking to not have you here,
But your Spirit is always near.


I am working as hard as I can,
To understand the Master plan,
Turn this lead into gold,
Transformation for my soul.


You were not mine to keep,
Love, the blessing for us to reap,
I am so grateful to have been your mother,
And for every moment with each other.


The bonds of love are eternal,
Forming a perfect circle,
Whether in your dimension or mine,
Forever intertwined.

Our Sweet Little Tammy Dog

Our sweet little Tammy dog,

Is laid to rest in our backyard,

Beside my son's apple tree,

The perfect place for her to be.

My son and Tammy were very fond,

Of each other and shared a bond,

And when my son planted his trees,

Tammy was there enjoying the breeze.

Eighteen months ago my son passed away,

And three weeks ago Tammy was placed in her grave,

A birthday present fifteen years ago,

For my children to love and know.

A dog's life span is not very long,

We knew that one day she would be gone,

But the shock of a child dying before your dog,

Seems impossible to be allowed.

From my window I can see Tammy's grave,

And I remember the love that she gave,

It's comforting to know that she and my son,

Are together again having fun.

I am working on being happy for all of the years,

That we had together and not the tears,

Because the love and memories live inside of me,

Held close and cherished with the years left to be.

Forever Twenty-Two

Our son, you will be forever young,

A handsome man with a heart of gold,

Never having to grow old,

Eternally twenty-two,

To all who knew you.

A  loving son and remarkable young man,

Even within your short life span,

You had an amazing mind and tremendous drive,

Driven to succeed and thrive,

A visionary artist with a great sense of style,

And the most beautiful smile.

For every wonderful year that we had,

In the joy of being your mom and dad,

For all the love that we knew,

We honor and thank you.

Mourning

No one can mourn for you,

It’s a process you have to go through;

Working, playing, sleeping or awake,

There is no escape.

We can’t wish it away,

Or bring back prior days;

The grief is always sitting there,

And you are constantly aware.

That we will never again see,

The son who meant the world to me,

Adjusting to this devastation,

When your world has lost its foundation.

Is something I could never have imagined,

How could this have happened?

My anchor is no longer here,

The purpose I have not as clear.

Which direction do I go,

It’s so hard for me to know,

I just wanted to be your mom,

I can’t believe that you are gone.

Stay with me in spirit form,

In new faith I will be born,

The power of love will bring us together,

Because the ties of love can never sever.

A Gift of Love

Six months after our son passed away,

Was our daughter’s wedding day,

The plans had already been in place,

For us all to anticipate.

Our son had planned to design her invitations,

His gift for this joyous occasion,

His graphic design skills would have meant so much,

Giving our daughter’s day an extra special touch.

A gift of love from his heart,

That he was unable to start,

And though he wasn’t physically there,

His presence was felt everywhere.

Our son’s death was so tragic,

But the wedding had a feeling of magic,

People commented on the love they felt,

The sense of family and joy throughout.

Looking back I wonder how I got things done,

And realize it was with the help of my son,

With the aid of a heavenly team,

To help us still realize a wedding day dream.

A Mother's Love Will Never Die

Every day as I dress,

Going through my jewelry I select,

Bracelets, necklaces, and earrings,

For whatever comfort they might bring.

Like putting on a suit of armor,

They provide protection and honor,

All the memories I have of you,

And the bond of love that we knew.

I have jewelry with crystals to soothe and to heal,

Angels and Madonnas with their love to feel,

Winged things representing the signs,

You send to me in many designs.

Beautiful dragonflies in different colors,

Butterflies to softly flutter,

Hummingbirds to dangle from my ears,

All worn with bittersweet tears.

Jewelry about being a mom,

Lord, help me to be strong,

I am trying my best,

But every day is a test.

I have a bracelet with the Lord’s Prayer,

Inspirational necklaces with verses of love and care,

A gold shooting star that represents your life,

Bright and shining, but only briefly in sight.

Hearts that represent the love,

Of a son I thought the world of,

Small comforts to help me face,

What time will never erase.

Because no matter how long we cry,

A mother’s love will never die,

Like the mother-child ring that I wear each day,

Nothing can take this bond away.

Rainbow From Heaven

When my son was a senior in high school he took a Biology class.  As part of a project for the class he took some seeds from an apple that he had eaten and planted them in the Biology lab.  Four apple trees started to grow!   At the end of the school year he brought them home.  They looked like little twigs.  He put them in pots out on our deck.  The following April we moved and bought a new home when my husband retired from the military.  We were all so happy to be in our new home and to not have to move any more.  One of the first things that Graham did when he was home over the summer from college was to plant his four apple trees in our backyard.  I watched him as he planted his trees.  Our little dog was out there with him as he worked.  I remember thinking that it was one of those perfect moments.


The first Spring after Graham died, his apple trees bloomed for the first time.  My husband and I went out in the yard to look at them.   I was standing at one of his trees crying and talking to Graham and saying,"Do you see your trees,Graham?  Do you see how beautiful they are?"  My husband took a picture of the tree.  When we downloaded it on the computer, there was a rainbow beside it!  We were amazed.  Graham lets us know in many ways that he is still with us.  We are so grateful for the gift of his apple trees.  Thank you, Graham. We love you.

Thank you for the rainbow you enabled us to see,

Beside your blossoming apple tree,

What a beautiful symbol of,

Your continuous presence and love.

The colors were pure and bright,

In the afternoon light,

Violet and yellow, green and blue,

A gift of Spirit given by you.

Tears were running down my face,

It was almost like feeling your embrace,

I miss you being physically here,

Your human form so warm and dear.

It helps when I am feeling low,

To think about your lovely rainbow,

A bridge between your world and mine,

Another one of your heavenly signs.

With a heart broken open,

In God's devotion,

We'll move beyond preconceived notions,

Limiting views and human emotions.

Because there is no greater bond than love,

It's what the universe is made of,

And with the greater knowing of all is one,

There is no separation, my precious son.

When "Other People" Becomes You

I could empathize and sympathize,

Before my son died,

When hearing of other people’s losses,

Spouses, siblings, friends, and bosses.

I would be sad,

But of course be so glad,

That it wasn’t me,

Undergoing such tragedy.

You never really imagine,

That it could ever happen,

To you or your family,

How could that be?

And then the unthinkable comes true,

The “other people” becomes you,

And you realize that you never really knew,

What those “other people” were actually going through.

When your world comes crashing down,

Without a single sound,

You feel as if you’re all alone,

When your child will never be coming home.

You could have one child or ten,

It doesn’t matter when,

You know that no one can take the place,

Of that one precious child’s face.

My life is in pieces,

I pray this anguish eases,

As I work to rebuild my life,

Nothing now feels right.

Focusing on the blessings won,

When God gifted us with our son,

Is what I work to concentrate on,

Now that he is physically gone.

Though our life will never be the same,

The love will forever remain,

So with every breath that I breathe,

My son is still alive with me.

A Mother's Tears

The title for my blog came from this poem.

A Mother's Tears

I have cried a river of tears,

This past year;

I know that I am not alone,

So many others called home,

All of our tears mingle,

They are never single,

United in our grief,

Struggling to find relief.

I pray the tears cleanse my soul,

Mend the hole,

That now is in my life,

Take away the strife.

Divine Spirit fill the gloom,

So that I may bloom,

With spiritual eyes,

To realize,

That what affects one, affects another.

There are so many mothers,

With empty arms and crying eyes,

Asking God, why?

Help us find the peace we seek,

To live our lives to teach,

That family is a treasure and,

That love is forever.