A Pervasive Sadness

We set a place for Graham for our Christmas dinner yesterday.   I know he was with us in spirit, but we like to also have him symbolically at the table.  We love you, Graham, and are so grateful to have had 21 precious Christmases with you.  You are forever in our hearts.

 

I don’t know why my son passed away,
I miss him every single day,
A pervasive sadness stays with me,
Keeping constant company.

I still smile, but my smile holds sorrow,
For the loss of him in our tomorrows,
There was such joy while he was here,
And anticipation of the coming years.

The energy he brought to our lives is gone,
There is such emptiness as we carry on,
Nothing can ever take the place,
Of seeing our son’s beloved face.

I pray that love will fill this hole,
That has been torn into my soul,
Heavenly comfort to sustain me,
As I learn to accept what must be.

Our Child Forever

In the darkness with my tears,
Grieving that you are no longer here,
I rub my heart to ease the pain,
That has settled in my chest again.

I talk to you in my mind,
You are with me all the time,
Your dad and I mention you every day,
Because you are only thoughts away.

You remain our child forever,
Every moment shared we remember,
We often smile as well as cry,
With only memories since you died.

Occasions of humor and family joy,
Special times with our dear boy,
You couldn’t have been a more loving son,
We were blessed with your devotion.

I am so grateful to have been your mom,
And would give anything if you weren’t gone,
You live with me now in a spiritual way,
Your love encircles me each day.

I love you so very much,
I miss that we can’t physically touch,
Or pick up the phone and speak with you,
Like I always used to do.

Watch for us at Heaven’s gate,
Your dad and I know you wait,
With pure joy we will reunite,
In God’s love and celestial light.

The Magic of Love

Christmas 2006 was our last Christmas with Graham.  Here is a picture of Graham with his sister, Laura, with some of their gifts.  We cherish that last Christmas.  Nine months later Graham was gone in a moment, and our whole world changed. 

 

It now seems like a fantasy,
When you were my son here with me,
A wonderful magical time,
When I was yours and you were mine.

The future held no fears,
I looked forward to coming years,
You were always returning home,
Or talking with me on the phone.

I see you in my mind’s eye,
It’s so hard to believe you died,
Forever you will be twenty-two,
Time stopped then for me and you.

Perhaps time is not what we think,
That we have an eternal link,
And there can somehow still be magic,
Within an event that’s so tragic.

Love is what will transcend all pain,
From love is the magic that we gain,
You can never truly be separate from me,
Because love has no finality.

Forever By Our Sides

You’ve climbed that highest mountain,
Your earthly life is done,
You are home again in Heaven,
All your battles here won.

Some people live a lot of years,
Others only a few,
Many lives are only minutes,
Just briefly passing through.

What is the rhyme or reason?
We desperately want to know,
Our hearts are torn and aching,
Not wanting ever to let go.

Parents never think to bury their children,
Our minds don’t work that way,
We assume our children will remain here,
Long after we’ve passed away.

The shock and trauma of your child dying,
Is a pain beyond this earth,
Parents promise to love and care for,
Their children from their birth.

Although we no longer see our children,
Or hear their earthly voice,
They are a part of us forever,
In this we can rejoice.

Love is not the body,
Love does not die,
We miss their physical presence,
But know our children stay close by.

We feel them with us always,
Their love is now our guide,
We are blessed to have them with us,
Forever by our sides.

Love Unlocks the Door

How unreal and pointless life seems,
When death takes away your dreams,
There are no words to express,
The feelings of hopelessness.

It's not that you value others less,
But life loses a lot of its zest,
When your loved one will no longer be,
In this world for you to see.

The picture now feels so incomplete,
Without my son’s presence sweet,
Hard enough when a life was long,
But my child's death just seems so wrong.

My heart aches,
I live in heartbreak,
Without him here there is far less pleasure,
Only his memories to treasure.

I am working hard every day,
To feel joy again come my way,
Not wanting to focus on the pain,
Only the love from him we gained.

Life never stays the same,
It is all about change,
In the times we think we can't bear,
We can become more aware.

We move beyond our physical ties,
Seeing with our spiritual eyes,
That there must be a bigger plan,
To strive to understand.

The eternal truth and master key,
Is really not a mystery,
It is love that unlocks the door,
To what we are searching for.

I want to soar above,
Filled with faith and God’s love,
And in grace be transformed,
With joy and purpose reborn.

Article About Me and My Poetry in Our Local Newspaper

A Mother's Tears article in the Fredericksburg Freelance-Star

Gone But Not Forgotten

This is a beautiful new song from an up-and-coming recording artist, Danna Richards, that The Compassionate Friends linked to on facebook.  I wanted to share it here. 
Gone But Not Forgotten on Youtube

Contemplations

Sometimes I think I should be,
In a nunnery,
Its name "Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrows,"
Because that's how I see my tomorrows.

Endless days of pain and grief,
Hard to imagine any relief,
As each new day dawns,
I don't know how I manage to go on.

Every day since you died,
I have cried,
The tears cannot seem to stop,
So devastated by your loss.

Thoughts  of a life of contemplation,
If it could bring some consolation,
Has a certain appeal,
When life feels so unreal.

But I have other family that need me,
So I am working not to be,
Bound by chains of heartache,
For all of our sakes.

We don't have to live in isolation,
To find compensation,
And I think we must reach out,
To others that need help.

As time moves along,
I gradually feel more strong,
The fear is wondering when,
It's possible to feel happy again.

And that somehow if I do,
It will diminish the importance of you;
A mother doesn't want to let go,
It goes against every instinct she knows.

But in the mourning process if we open to hope,
Somehow managing to cope,
We can by surrendering what we want to keep,
Find that which we seek.

Healing for our broken hearts,
Comfort to know we are never truly apart,
Spirit as symbolized by the dove,
And above all else, love.

A Brighter Tomorrow

Help my sorrow to release,
So I may find inner peace,
Take away my cries and tears,
Remove from me all doubts and fears.

I want to walk in the light,
To make it through this dark night,
To find happiness in being alive,
Even though my son has died.

Does this pain ever go away?
Will it gradually ease each day?
There’s not a moment you are separate from me,
Together always, in memory.

In this way there is no death,
Because you live in every breath,
A physical change, but not of the soul,
The spirit remains vibrant and whole.

With Heaven’s aid and direction,
I still feel our love and connection,
Supporting me in this terrible sorrow,
With the faith to believe in a brighter tomorrow.

Thanksgiving Without You

It’s a dreary, rainy, cloudy day,
Everything is draped in gray,
The weather matches perfectly,
The melancholy blanketing me.

Three days from now will be Thanksgiving,
I never imagined you’d not be living,
Children shouldn’t die before their parents do,
It’s so hard to believe this is true.

Every day I pray for help,
To understand what this is about,
You are in your heavenly home,
And I feel so alone.

When we eat our pumpkin pie,
I will try not to cry,
It’s the one I would make for you,
You always enjoyed a slice or two.

It’s the little things that are bittersweet,
All the moments that make our lives complete,
Memories pieced together,
That stay with us forever.

There are smiles and there are tears,
For every single precious year,
I love you, Graham, I miss you so,
More than anyone could ever know.

Book Signing

I have my first book signing scheduled! I will be at the Borders bookstore in Central Park in Fredericksburg on Sunday, December 12th. from 2:00-4:00. If you are able to come I would love to see you. The holidays are a difficult time of year for so many people, especially when dealing with loss. I hope that this will be an opportunity to provide some comfort for other hurting people.

Update on My Book

Amazon now has "search inside this book" active for my book - now people can browse inside like looking at it in a bookstore!

Amazon.com: A Mother's Tears: Poems of Heartbreak, Loss, and Discovery (9781453716946): Claire Ann Stevenson

A Master Plan

Do you believe in magic,
And that it can happen from something tragic,
That from the deepest misery,
We may gain a great victory?

Do you believe that our earthly skin,
Is only the vessel for our spirit within,
That our true self is not what we see,
And that we are a part of eternity?

The here and now is not the whole,
In the journey of a soul,
But it's hard to have the comprehension,
For soul contracts and multi-dimensions.

When we come here without conscious knowledge,
Of what our souls want to accomplish,
And when we experience heartache, death, and loss,
It's natural to question the cost.

What is my place in the universe,
There are times that seem can't get worse,
And yet we must ultimately trust,
That life is just.

To surrender our will,
To listen and be still,
So that we may hear our spirit song,
And know that we are where we belong.

I don't want to live a lukewarm life,
Trampled down from all the strife,
No big highs or no big lows,
Everything just the status quo.

Hopefully the day will come,
When once more I'll want to run,
To laugh and play in the rain,
No longer carrying so much pain.

A worthy goal to pursue,
Something I must work to do,
Free of regrets for what has passed,
Because there is only one thing that ever lasts.


That is love, and that I knew,
With the blessing that was you,
Help me focus on my life's gifts,
That in joy my soul may lift.

Let me be comforted and reassured,
That everything that we endure,
Has the touch of a Master hand,
And is all a part of a divine plan.

Prayers and Meditations

I ask you, God, for your gift of peace,
Take away my hopelessness and grief,
Guide me to the answers I seek,
So in Spirit’s arms I’ll find relief.

Surround me in your Heavenly embrace,
Comfort and support to help me face,
A future now unknown to me,
Not what I’d thought it would be.

Hear my prayers and meditations,
Take away all hesitations,
For a heart that is shattered and broken,
Send your love to heal and open.

I don’t want to live in fear,
Now that my son’s not physically here,
Or live each day in a degree of depression,
Wondering if this pain will lessen.

Life is hard, I can’t do it by myself,
Thank you for any Heavenly help,
With God’s grace and Divine inspiration,
I pray for spiritual transformation.

What Must Be

Dear God, I am on my knees,
Praying for this pain to cease,
What have I come here for?
My life is not as it was before.

Must we suffer in order to grow?
Is this the only way we can know,
The spirit that dwells within,
Our temporary earthly skin?

Fill the emptiness that is inside,
Walk with me by my side,
I cannot do this by myself,
I ask for all Heavenly help.

Enfold me in your arms of grace,
With divine love to replace,
The grief and sadness that live in me,
With acceptance of what must be.

Signs of Love

Communication doesn't stop,
When you have a loss,
It's not the same as living here,
But there are signs strong and clear.

Look around and be alert,
There is comfort for our hurt,
Our loved ones want us to know,
They didn't totally go.

Their form has changed,
But their love remains,
And they want us to know,
So there are signs they show.

A television that un-mutes itself,
A plate turned sideways on the shelf,
Flickering lights and mysterious telephone rings,
Are some of their favorite things.

 Tangible signs of continuity and love,
Proof that we are still thought of,
Wanting us to not feel so alone,
They make their presence known.

I am grateful for every sign,
And thank my loved one each time,
For the reminders of the love we knew,
And the healing I am being guided through.

My book is now available to order!

The book is named after this blog, "A Mother's Tears, Poems of Heartbreak, Loss, and Discovery," and is available for ordering from
www.createspace.com/3471259
or
www.amazon.com/A-Mothers-Tears/dp/1453716947/

This unique and beautiful collection of poems, written from the depths of a mother's broken heart, will touch and comfort others suffering the most devastating loss of all, the death of a child. A year and a half after the tragic loss of her son, poetry started flowing through her. The release of her pain and anguish provided through this amazing outpouring helped facilitate her healing, and is offered here to help others heal. Giving words to a grief that has no words, she will touch your heart. Those suffering similar loss will find hope and strength in her poems.

Soul's Cry

My son’s always with me, yet physically gone,
Lord, give me the strength to draw upon,
I cannot do this by myself,
Surround me with heavenly help.

Lead me to the well inside,
Knowing love is the guide,
Quench the thirst that leaves me dry,
Answer my soul's cry.

Drinking deeply from the cup,
Refresh my soul and fill it up,
And with the sacred water of life,
Remove all torment and earthly strife.

Live from the Heart

Be in the world, but not of it, I have heard the phrase,
It’s now how I live my days,
Shakespeare had it right when he wrote,
“All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women
merely players,” to quote.

Since you died my perception has changed,
I no longer live life in close range,
Now standing somewhat apart,
But striving to live from my heart.

Viewing life from a distance,
Praying for Heavenly assistance,
Surrendering into the flow,
I am learning to let go.

All things are possible with Divine love and aid,
Understanding and acceptance for the plan that was laid,
My heart is broken but I am trying my best,
To mend and recover from this grievous test.

No one fully understands the bond that we had,
Or why under the surface I always am sad,
There is never a minute that you are not missed,
My wonderful son and most treasured wish.

I loved you on earth and I love you in Heaven,
Love crosses all dimensions,
The ties of the heart are eternal and strong,
Connected forever within love’s bond.

Hands Held

My soul is screaming,
I am clawing at the door,
Please God, I know there is more,
What am I here for?

Remove the veils,
My spirit wails,
I want to be with my son,
I can’t lose our connection.

A life, a love, a joy divine,
Gone, what I thought was mine,
Hands held, faces kissed,
Oh God, so dearly missed.

Only borrowed, never owned,
Love, the pattern sown,
A kiss, a hug, a tender sigh,
I will never say goodbye.

So many questions, why God, why?
Will I have no answers until I die?
Help me to find what I seek,
Open my heart and give relief.

A hand held, yet released,
A heart, that can be at peace.

An Unknown Road

I long to know why I am here,
It would be wonderful for this to be clear,
No more fumbling around in the dark,
Feeling like my life is in park.

Shine the light so I might drive,
Feeling joy in being alive,
Time has been long and sober,
Ever since you crossed over.

No longer sure of my destination,
When life changed with no explanation,
I now travel an unknown road,
Please take from me this heavy load.

Show me that which I seek,
As I live week to week,
Searching for the inner core,
To feel love and light and joy once more.

Angels Close By

 When I hurt and when I cry,
I know my angels are close by,
I refocus and go within,
Receiving strength from Spirit again.

With my inner spiritual ear,
I listen for what I may hear,
Soft little echoes from my soul,
Aiding me in becoming more whole.

With these whispers from inside,
Loving thoughts that help and guide,
I find courage to stand on my own,
Comforted in knowing I’m never alone.

A Time to Die

I wish that I could have said goodbye,
Before you died,
Sometimes I imagine you as you fell,
A kind of hell.

I cannot go there,
Without deep despair,
 I force my mind to turn away,
To focus on all our other days.

You were happy walking,
On your cell phone talking,
To a good friend,
Shortly before your end.

You were sharing ideas about your art,
What you would start,
Plans, projects, your senior portfolio,
Which direction you would go.

Your last college year,
You were in high gear,
Full of ideas and dreams,
That you wanted to be seen.

If there is a time to die,
I am grateful that you passed on a high,
At the top of your game,
With no one to blame.

To know you were laughing and full of light,
Enjoying your walk on a beautiful night,
Helps me to know,
It was a positive way for you to go.

No pain, no disease,
In seconds you were free,
 I can imagine your surprise,
When you realized you had died.

We are all now on a different walk,
Not ever consciously sought,
But maybe part of a bigger plan,
We don't yet fully understand.

We suffer and we grieve,
But I believe,
That eventually we will see,
What we came here to do and be.

Seasons

Seasons come and seasons go,
Joy and sorrow we come to know,
Always carried by the tide,
Where do we choose to reside?

Protest, anger, push and pull,
Will we play the part of fool?
Or with dignity and grace,
Handle all we will face.

Believing there is a plan,
I strive to understand,
All the sorrow and the pain,
We experience on this earthly plane.

Happiness and joy are a part of life too,
I’ll never forget the moments we knew,
Remembering our love will help to sustain me,
You live forever in precious memory.

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray that I will find relief,
It’s too hard to live each day in grief,
Please God, help me find your peace.

It’s not easy living each day,
Now that my son has passed away,
A conflict because I feel him near,
Though physically he’s not here.

Maybe tonight I will see,
My son alive in a dream with me,
A glimpse back to our lives before,
He walked through Heaven’s door.

Or, perhaps unknowingly,
I am with him when I sleep,
Traveling with him to a different realm,
Where God’s joy and peace abound.

To find the bridge between his world and mine,
Is what I seek to find,
Take my hand and lead me there,
Help me to be more aware.

To know that separation isn’t true,
That I will always be one with you,
And with God’s love and Divine help,
I will realize my greater self.

Angel Prayer

Angels and guides be with me each day,
Help me to find my way,
Release any toxins, grief, or stress,
Help me to be my best.

Positive thoughts and affirmations,
No negative vibrations,
Release the sorrow that I feel,
I want my soul to heal.

To live within a state of grace,
Able to handle what I must face,
With divine guidance and intuition,
Bring forward to fruition.

My life purpose and destination,
Not this sense of desolation,
With the passing of my son,
I don’t know how this is done.

Angel wings enfold me now,
With heavenly peace and faith endow,
So that I may find some comfort in,
Living my life once again.

Miracles

Miracles do happen, I can see,
Because you are now communicating with me,
This connection I’ve yearned for deep in my soul,
Has been my most fervent goal.

Knowing we can connect from different spheres,
Is profoundly comforting when you’re not here,
I could not bear the loss of the closeness we knew,
What a gift to have you come through.

How healing to know that all is one,
On this journey I’ve begun,
I am working on what I can learn,
As my life takes this new turn.

What a blessing that you stay near,
Helping to make my path more clear,
Without this reassurance from the Divine,
It would be easy to give up over time.

I pray my suffering and sorrow will transform,
Into peace and joy as hope is reborn,
Love is the message and the call,
For it is love that sustains us all.

Thank you for being a messenger from Spirit,
With God’s grace I am able to hear it,
This validation that love never ends,
Helps give me the faith that my heart will mend.

Beginning to Emerge

When the anguish of loss begins to soften,
When the pain is not as often,
You slowly begin to emerge,
From the darkness in which submerged.

Like a baby taking his first step,
Moving beyond the tears you’ve wept,
You tentatively venture forward once more,
Opening a new and different door.

Fragile wings of hope and healing,
That maybe life can still be appealing,
Start to flutter in your heart,
Wondering if you can start.

To find meaning once again,
Believing that a soul can mend,
I pray that this is true,
Because every day, I miss you.

Angelversary

The twenty-second of September,
Is a day I don’t wish to remember,
But I can now never forget,
The date of my child’s death.

Whenever September is mentioned,
My thoughts go straight to Heaven,
With trembling lips and tear-filled eyes,
My heart aches for my son who died.

Children’s anniversaries should be of marriage,
Occasions of joy and memories to cherish,
It’s unimaginable now to me,
To only have our son’s angelversary.

 It is with the power of the love we knew,
We somehow manage to make it through,
But the anguish within for a child who has passed,
Stays with parents until we breathe our last.
 

Without Any Warning

As a dedicated mother and wife,
I was very happy with my life,
Busy with my husband, daughter, and son,
I looked forward to things to come.

My entire world changed one morning,
Without any warning,
As I was sleeping in my bed,
I learned my precious son was dead.

How could I imagine to see,
A child of mine die before me?
It goes against the natural order of life,
Leaving us in trauma and strife.

There were times I thought of dying,
Every day I’m still crying,
I can’t believe my son is gone,
It’s so hard to keep moving on.

Our family of four,
Is no more,
How empty it now feels to me,
To be a family of three.

Sometimes I feel like screaming,
As I search for purpose and meaning,
With the hope that his death will lead,
To something greater to believe.

His life was a gift for whatever the time,
I was blessed to call him mine,
He is gone, and yet he is here,
His presence is felt, warm and dear.

Bodies die but love never ends,
Love is the power that transcends,
He is with me every day,
Only in a different way.

A Deafening Silence

How empty this house now seems,
Without you as part of its dreams,
The silence is deafening,
Where is the lessening,
Of a grief so deep, it seeps,
Into the very walls,
And yet recalls,
The echoes of the happiness,
When you were still with us,
So on higher notes, this love transcends,
The pain when it again descends,
And gently lifts our souls once more,
With memories of our love and gratefulness for,
Every moment that we knew,
In the blessing that was you.

A Message From My Son

In the arms of the angels I was flown,
Back to my heavenly home,
It came as a surprise to me,
But this is how it’s supposed to be.

I am happy, do not weep,
Love is forever ours to keep,
Now I work from this side,
As one of your spirit guides.

So alone I know you feel,
But I am present to help you heal,
I send you love and many signs,
As you struggle through this dark time.

I know your heart is broken,
But with divine love it will open,
And from what feels like tragedy,
You’ll be able to more clearly see.

The plans God has in store for you,
A purpose that will come shining through,
Keep the faith, don’t give in,
A new life will begin.

I want you to know,
That I love you so,
And I watch with pride,
As you find your stride.

Although my earthly life is done,
I am so grateful to be your son,
And in Heaven I await,
The time you’ll walk through God’s gate.

In the meantime do not fear,
Know that I am always near,
Feel the heavenly support from above,
For the mother that I so dearly love.


Thank you, Graham, for the miracle of this poem.

Step by Step

Love's redeeming grace,
Take away this heartache,
Let me with love and joy recall,
The happy times for us all.

I want to celebrate the love we knew,
For every moment we had with you,
To work through this terrible grief,
With a life now that feels incomplete.

Quiet my cries,
Dry my eyes,
I am so thankful for the time,
I was able to call you mine.

I didn't want this broken heart,
Or to live in a world apart,
This isn’t the life I  planned,
It’s so hard to understand.

I know you want my happiness,
I am doing my best,
As step by step and day by day,
I struggle to find my way.

My Taj Mahal

If it were possible I would build you a Taj Mahal,
A magnificent monument for one and all,
A structure of beauty and inspiration,
To celebrate love for all generations.

My love for you finds expression in poems,
Writing them helps me not feel so alone,
Giving words to the love we share,
Keeps me from giving into despair.

A book of my poetry has come to be,
Words flowing for others to see,
My Taj Mahal on a smaller scale,
A testimony that love never fails.

A gift in celebration of love and life,
Despite loss, anguish, and strife,
You are gone but your light still shines,
Brilliantly glowing for all time. 

     I didn't know eighteen months ago when I wrote my first poem where it would lead.  I have now written over two hundred poems.  Given the volume of poems and the hope that they might be of benefit to others, they are in the process of being published.  The book should be out sometime in November.  It is entitled, A Mother's Tears (Poems of Heartbreak, Loss, and Discovery).  I continue to be amazed and grateful with this unfoldment of poetry. 

Catapulted Into Grief

My entire world came crashing down,
In seconds, without a sound,
The morning we received a call,
That you had died in a fall.

I was stunned, shocked, in disbelief,
Catapulted into grief;
We had just been on the phone,
Making plans for you to come home.

 I felt as if I'd been attacked,
Like a knife was in my back,
I could feel my heart literally breaking,
As I sat, torn and aching.

So many dreams were destroyed,
When you died, my precious boy,
A future without you to share,
Is more than I think I can bear.

Our family is forever changed,
Everything is rearranged,
How do I go on without you,
And all the love that we knew?

Within My Heart

I think about you when I go to bed at night,
I think about you with the morning light,
I think about you throughout the day,
You are always only a thought away.

Death took you physically,
But otherwise you are still with me,
Love does not disappear,
Because you are no longer here.

You are me and I am you,
Nothing can separate us two,
Although on earth we are now apart,
You live forever within my heart.

Celestial Realms

You can now be found,
In Heaven’s celestial realms,
No longer bound by earthly cares,
Trouble-free and light as air.

Happy, and where you are meant to be,
In the plan of eternity,
Having made that highest climb,
Living in joy sublime.

I envy you your new birth,
It’s hard living on this earth,
And with you no longer here,
My days are filled with many tears.

I am trusting in a Divine plan,
Believing our lives are in God’s hands,
Finding faith to persevere,
Praying life’s meaning becomes more clear.

I want to be happy too,
Even though I can’t be with you,
You are with me in other ways,
I feel your presence every day.

Run amidst the moon and stars,
We are together wherever we are,
Love can’t be measured by hours or minutes,
Love has no boundaries, love has no limits.

Wondering Why

When I am in that twilight state,
Half asleep and half awake,
On fully awakening there are times I find,
I am saying my poetry in my mind.

Sometimes I realize that I am crying,
Grief always present with my son dying,
In this sadness I start the day,
It’s harder than I could ever say.

I don’t know why this has to be,
So little now makes sense to me,
Somehow I manage to go on,
Praying for peace with each new dawn.

A Shooting Star

You were like starlight,
Burning bright,
Vibrating with intensity,
With all that you came here to be.

Like a shooting star in the sky,
Glorious, but quickly passing by,
How could we know your life would be so fleeting,
Leaving us to search for meaning?

The duality of living here,
Is often filled with fear,
I want the oneness that is true,
To still be able to connect with you.

Concepts that might not resonate with some,
But a journey I have consciously begun,
Following the trail you blazed for me,
Take my hand and help me to see.

As I strive with all my might,
To get beyond this dark night,
Because love can never disappear,
You will always be right here.

A Big Bouquet of Balloons

If I could be one of the balloons,
Released to our children gone too soon,
I would joyously sail straight to you,
Among the clouds in a sky of blue.

Without a care,
And light as air,
My sorrow would slip away,
Leaving behind unhappy days.

 A loving mother with her dearest son,
Together once again,
What a dream this would be,
If it were a possibility.

As the balloons float to you above,
I know you feel all my love,
Sent to you with joy and tears,
For every single precious year.

You filled my heart for all time,
I am so grateful you were mine,
Watch for me, I’ll join you soon,
With a big bouquet of beautiful balloons.

God's Garden

You are in God’s garden,
With Jesus and all the saints,
Side by side with angels,
Shining in God’s holy grace.

In a kingdom filled with glory,
And joy and eternal light,
Imbued with brilliant colors,
That inspire and delight.

A soul at peace in Heaven,
Having journeyed home again,
No more trials and tribulations,
Those have come to an end.

With love beyond imagining,
No selfishness or strife,
Only harmony and peace abounding,
In everlasting life.

Our love is forever,
I know you wait for me,
I’ll join you in God’s garden,
When it’s my time to see.

Heart Song

The haunting strains,
Of love’s sweet refrain,
Softly play,
Throughout my days.

Beautiful notes of memories past,
Music that will forever last,
Up and down the distant chords,
Remind me of times adored.

No matter the tune that I now hear,
In the background your song is clear,
Gently fingering my heartstrings,
Songs of love and remembering.

Beautiful melodies intertwining,
With love and joy realigning,
Two hearts that beat as one,
In harmony with my beloved son.

The First Annual Afterlife Awareness Conference

We just saw this link from a friend on facebook, Mitch Carmody (he's going to be a speaker at the conference, and was a speaker at the Compassionate Friends National Conference I attended last month). It sounds like an amazing conference, with many fascinating speakers.  Check it out!

The First Annual Afterlife Awareness Conference

Acceptance

I pray for my heart to be open, my focus clear,
To reveal to me why I am here,
To help me focus on the now,
Releasing the past and future somehow.

Fully living all days as they come,
Knowing they are part of the sum,
I don’t want to look back with regret,
On expectations that were unmet.

Thankful for opportunities to love and to grow,
Accepting all happiness and sorrow,
Believing that all is as it should be,
Please grant me this serenity.

Love that was is never lost,
Love is worth whatever its cost,
A gift to honor and to treasure,
Comforted in knowing that love is forever.

One More Day Without You

One more day without you,
Somehow time passes by,
One more day without you,
How long does a mother cry?

One more day without you,
The days turn into years,
One more day without you,
Since you last were here.

One more day without you,
The sun is shining bright,
One more day without you,
As the sun fades into night.

One more day without you,
But you are always in my thoughts,
One more day without you,
Holding you in my heart.

One more day without you,
Yet each day turns into the past,
One more day without you,
Then we’ll be together at last.

If Only I Could See You

You are now a shining light,
Having walked through Heaven’s door,
Reassuring us you’re happy,
Returning to Spirit form once more.

I know my time is not done here,
And you cannot come home,
If I could just visit you each day,
I’d not feel so alone.

If I could climb God’s stairway,
I know where I would be,
Spending time with you again,
So contentedly.

I miss your physical presence,
Your handsome, precious face,
I want to hug and kiss you,
And feel your warm embrace.

There are a million I love you’s,
That I would like to say,
Along with all the thank you’s,
For every shared day.

I miss you more than ever,
Although you’re eternally in my heart,
If only I could see you,
It would ease my broken heart.

My Darling Little Boy

When you were my darling little boy,
I would sing you children’s songs with joy,
Lying beside you on your bed,
My precious little sleepy head.

I would sing your favorite songs,
Some were short and some were long,
You would listen happily,
Curled up cozily next to me.

A special time for us to share,
You and me and your teddy bear,
With your baby blanket clutched to your face,
I would snuggle you in a warm embrace.

With your head upon your pillow,
I sang, How Much Is That Doggie In The Window,
And the song, My Grandfather’s Clock,
With the rhythmic words, tick tock, tick tock.

I would kiss you on your little cheeks,
And tell you, now you go to sleep,
Tucking you in for the night,
I would then turn off your light.

Your death cannot take away,
These memories of our precious days,
Moments that live forever,
Within my heart to treasure.

I love you.

Angel Chimes

I have angel chimes by my front door,
With words that I am hoping for,
Peace and love and serenity,
All the qualities I pray for me.

When the chimes are gently ringing,
I believe angels are bringing,
Healing energies to ground and center,
To everyone that will enter.

How grateful I am to know the divine,
Is surrounding us all the time,
When we open and believe,
There are many gifts that we’ll receive.

I welcome in this flow of chi,
With all the positive energy,
So that my house is filled with love,
Blessings from the angels above.

Hummingbird

     After a couple of years trying to get a hummingbird picture at our feeder in the back yard, we finally had a good opportunity yesterday, and my husband got this shot when one flew to our hanging basket.  I thought it would be a perfect image for this poem.

Tiny hummingbird flying by,
A flash of color in the sky,
With the blurred beating of your little wings,
What is the message that you bring?

The beauty in life is what you remind us of,
And to appreciate the things we love,
To move forward, not looking back,
So we don’t focus on what we lack.

You also help us to feel joy inside,
Gratitude for being alive,
To savor each moment and to open our hearts,
Searching for the sweetness that life can impart.

What a beautiful winged messenger to see,
With wonderful symbology,
Thank you hummingbird, for showing us the way,
To find happiness in each new day.

A Path Paved With Tears

Anyone who has lost a child can tell,
What it’s like to be in Hell,
Torment becomes a part of you,
A new familiar in all you do.

As we struggle through the years,
Our path is paved with many tears,
We pray that we will find relief,
From this pain of constant grief.

If we are lucky in our family and friends,
They share their love to help us mend,
But often focused on issues of their own,
They leave us feeling even more alone.

Most people do not reach out,
Not caring or thinking how they can help,
A simple I’m sorry, or I think about you,
Is more than they can manage to do.

Our children’s names are seldom spoken,
Which makes us even more heartbroken,
Because our children are not physically here,
Doesn’t make them any less dear.

We all need to think about love and sharing,
And ways to show compassion and caring,
A warm hug, or a caring smile,
Help make life feel more worthwhile.

If we learn to open our hearts,
Realizing we are all a part,
Of a common greater whole,
Love would nourish our souls.

An Angel's Kiss

Give your worries, sorrows or fears,
To the angels because they hear,
Feel the heavenly brushing of their wings,
With the divine love that they bring.

I do not want to miss,
The whisper of an angel’s kiss,
Or a sign they send to me,
When in faith I believe.

Catch my teardrops when I cry,
I know you watch from on high,
When my pain is too much to bear,
Wrap me in your wings of care.

In the stillness help me find,
The peace that comes from the divine,
And surrender into a sea of love,
Gifts from the angels above.

Do Not Cry

     I wrote this today.  This past week was particularly hard for me for a number of reasons.  Thank you, Graham, for this message.  You are the "wind beneath my wings."  I love you more than my words can say.

Close your eyes and go to sleep,
I am with you mother, do not weep,
Place your hand upon your heart,
My hand is there too, never apart.

Feel the love I have for you,
And the strength to see you through,
I am with you every day,
Helping you to find your way.

No more sorrow, smile for me,
I want to see you living happily,
Our love is forever, love doesn’t die,
Please mother, do not cry.

Remember our years with joy and smiles,
Every moment was so worthwhile,
Only partially separated for a brief time,
Our hearts remain forever entwined.

Never Forgotten

Although your earthly time is done,
You will never be forgotten, my son,
I will love you forever,
And honor and remember.

As long as I live, you will live too,
You are part of all I do,
You share my heartbeats, share my breath,
What is this thing called death?

When I shed my body, I will gladly fly,
To that glorious kingdom in the sky,
Knowing you are waiting for me,
Brings me a sense of serenity.

I will do my best with my remaining years,
Working through my pain and tears,
To rediscover inner peace and joy,

Until we’re reunited, my precious boy.

Music of the Soul

We cry for ourselves, not loved ones gone,
They are happy in the great beyond,
No more burdens, heartache or stress,
They live in a state of pure happiness.

It’s those of us left behind,
Who struggle with the concept of time,
On this planet of pain and tears,
Learning and growing through the years.

What a blessing you were to me,
Like a magnificent symphony,
With haunting passages of turbulent lows,
Mixed with brilliant crescendos.

Across the pages lines of notes play,
But then abruptly go away,
A symphony of the story of you,
My wonderful son of twenty-two.

What movement would be playing now,
If you were still here somehow?
A work of such hope and promise,
With so much more to accomplish.

My darling son,
Your earthly work must have been done,
You are now a more brilliant light,
Just beyond earthly sight.

Composing more passages on another plane,
With knowledge earned through joy and pain,
The music of your soul will always flow,
In our hearts this we know.

Listening with our inner ear,
The melody is very clear,
We will strive to overcome our sorrow,
In God’s promise of a joyous tomorrow.

A House of Broken Dreams

A house of boards and beams,
Built with so many hopes and dreams,
A family endeavor in which we all had our parts,
A vision so dear to our hearts.

Like waiting for a baby to come,
It took nine months until the house was done,
It was so exciting to wait for the day,
We could move in and stay.

For two and a half years we enjoyed the house,
Your presence is felt throughout,
But one morning as you waved good-bye,
So many of our dreams suddenly died.

It’s been several years now that you’ve been gone,
And the emptiness stretches on,
In a home now of broken dreams,
Nothing is as it seems.

We never know what the years will hold,
A child is more precious than gold,
When you died a part of us died too,
And everything changed from what we knew.

God's Time

The days are turning into years,
Since the time you last were here,
It doesn’t seem like that much time has passed,
When we were able to see you last.

You are now beyond our physical touch,
But in our hearts loved so much,
Why did you have to go?
There are so many things I don’t know.

What can ever take this pain away?
It’s so hard living with sorrow each day,
Sometimes I tire of being here,
I pray for my purpose to become more clear.

Sweet angels of mercy, healing, and grace,
Comfort me in your loving embrace,
Help me learn to let go,
And to discover the gifts of my soul.

Let me surrender to the peace of the Divine,
Accepting that all is in God’s time,
Give me faith that one day I’ll be,
Walking in love and harmony.

Heal the wounds of my heart,
Mend the jagged, aching parts,
Remembering with every breath,
That ultimately there is no death.

We will be together again,
When my earthly time comes to an end,
Two souls united once more,
When I too enter Heaven’s door.

If Only

     Here are some of the last pictures we have of Graham.  They were taken on the Fourth of July, 2007, on our patio.  Our daughter and my parents and a few of our neighbors came to help celebrate the day.  It was a fun day of family and friends.  Sometimes the simplest times become cherished  memories.  Make the most of all your moments.

If dreams could come true,
I would still be with you,
We would never count the days,
Because you would not have passed away.

Each morning when I rise,
There would be no thought that you died,
Every day I would awake with joy,
Happy with life and my wonderful boy.

Sometimes dreams come to an end,
I’ll not see my son in this life again,
He’s the last thought when I go to bed at night,
And my first thought with the morning light.

If only you were not really dead,
And would be coming home instead,
I’d like to pretend you’ve just been away for awhile,
Separated by nothing more than miles.

Time moves differently now that you are gone,
It’s so hard to keep moving on,
You are remembered and loved more than I can say,
And I miss you every single day.

Reflections of Love

     This weekend I will be attending The Compassionate Friends 33rd  national conference in Arlington, Virginia.  The Compassionate Friends is a national organization for parents who have lost children.  There are over 600 local chapters across the country.  This is the first time I'll be going to one of their national conferences. Fortunately for me, it is not far!  I hope that it will be a very healing experience.  There will be several speakers, all of whom have lost children.   Over a 100 different workshops will be offered.  The event ends with a Memory Walk.  The walkers will be carrying the names of thousands of children that have died.  People from all over the country sent in their children's names to be remembered if they are unable to attend or walk themselves.  I will be walking in Graham's memory, my beautiful angel boy.

     I wrote a poem using the theme for this years conference.

   Here's a link to the Compassionate Friends National Conference web page:

  http://www.compassionatefriends.org/News_Events/2010_TCF_National_Conference.aspx

Reflections of love, visions of hope,
This year’s theme to help parents to cope,
Coming together in shared heartache and loss,
Shattered by the enormity of the cost.

Our children are gone, our hearts are broken,
What words can ever be spoken?
Traveling a path in a world now unknown,
It’s comforting to know we need not walk alone.

Compassionate friends all carrying grief,
Driven to heal and to find some relief,
Searching for hope in our lives once more,
Because they will never be as they were before.

Joining hands with each other,
We reflect and remember,
The ties of the heart with our children,
Grateful for the gift we were given.

It is in love that we will survive,
Love that  keeps our sons and daughters alive,
Our children never really leave,
They are with us in every breath we breathe.

Love Like No Other

Time heals all wounds they say,
I am waiting for that day,
It’s been years and I still cry,
Missing my son that died.

Love between a child and mother,
Is love like no other,
Death cannot sever this bond,
The ties of the heart are much too strong.

The pain may soften a little over time,
But the wound is never left behind,
Forever there will be an ache in my heart,
Sorrow that we must be apart.

I never imagined that he'd not be here,
To love and cherish through the years,
A treasured son I can no longer see,
Held close in loving memory.

I'll Love You Forever

Please give me a message, show me a sign,
Let me know we’re connected through time,
Physically parted, souls still entwined,
I’ll love you forever, child of mine.

You were once a part of me,
My cherished little baby,
A treasured son come to earth,
When I was blessed to give you birth.

I sang you sweet lullabies,
Quieted your baby cries,
I soothed your childhood fears,
Dried away all your tears.

You filled my life in so many ways,
Bringing purpose to my days,
I couldn’t have loved you any more than I do,
How can your life be through?

Where are you now my son?
I’ll  miss you forever precious one,
Our years together seem like a dream,
What does my life now mean?

My world has been torn apart,
But you are written across my heart,
You will always be a part of me,
Connected through eternity.

Father's Day

This picture is from our last Father's Day with Graham in 2007.  I wrote this poem last year.  Graham drove home for the day to be with his dad.  He had been out in the country with some of his friends, so he cruised in a little disheveled!

Another Father’s Day is here,
The second one without you here,
Two years ago I had saved,
The card for your dad that you gave.

I got it out for your dad again,
To read and feel the love that it sends,
We remember that last Father’s Day,
So grateful that summer you were able to stay.

Your father and I are so proud of you,
We think of you in all we do,
Incomprehensible that you are gone,
We are doing our best to carry on.

An amazing young man and cherished son,
You filled our world with adventure and fun,
We are so grateful to have been your mom and dad,
And for every moment that we had.

God's Promise

God promises that one day our tears will be wiped away,
Help me to have faith this anguish won’t stay,
When broken-hearted and crushed with sorrow,
It hurts too much to think of tomorrow.

Just making it through each day,
Is more difficult than I can say,
The emptiness without you here,
Is beyond my darkest fear.

Why did God call your name?
Nothing will ever be the same,
I just assumed that you would always be,
In this world as a part of me.

My beloved son and treasured friend,
Your body died, but that’s not the end,
Holy Spirit, Infinite Light,
With love and compassion, renew my sight.

The Song in my Heart

As deep as all the oceans and the seas,
That’s what our love meant to me,
As limitless as the skies,
You were the sparkle of joy in my eyes.

Every day was an adventure with you,
I never knew what you would do,
You had brilliant ideas and wonderful plans,
We were looking forward to seeing firsthand.

With movie star looks and the greatest smile,
You were my handsome golden child,
An ambitious young man pursuing your dreams,
With your artistic vision as the means.

Some days I feel strong,
Others like I’m barely hanging on,
Having you die before I do,
Is an anguish I can’t believe I’m going through.

I was beside you every step of your way,
You brought joy to my world each day,
A mother loving her dearest son and friend,
Never imagining our time would end.

You are the song in my heart,
Death cannot keep us apart,
I will celebrate you until the day I die,
When we will never again say good-bye.

Without You

Losing a child feels totally wrong,
I am working hard to be strong,
I love all of my family,
But there is an empty place inside of me.

Just to make it through each day,
Is more agonizing than I can say,
Why, God, does this have to be?
Is there something greater for me to see?

So much of my life was built around you,
Isn’t that normal for a mother to do?
I was focused on helping you progress,
As your mother, wanting your best.

There was such satisfaction in watching you grow,
A special young man for everyone to know,
Your happiness gave me great joy,
It’s what I hoped for the most, my precious boy.

I know in Heaven there are no worries or stress,
And that you are filled with great happiness,
While I am human and still living here,
I just wish that you were near.

I miss you every minute,
Life’s so hard without you in it,
I pray this pain will one day end,
And I will feel joy once again.

Never Apart

     In September my husband and I flew to Germany for a two week vacation.  It was exactly two years since Graham died.  I had only been away from our house overnight a few times during this period.  I didn't realize that being gone from home longer would be so emotional until I was sitting on the plane.  While waiting to take off, I started to cry.  I was trying to figure out why, and wrote this poem.  Later, I realized that we get into routines that bring us some comfort as we are grieving.  When you step out of that pattern, it can be difficult. 

Your dad and I are flying to Germany today,
To tour and visit friends along the way,
It’s emotional as I wait to fly,
Because it feels as if I’m saying good-bye.

It’s been two years since you died,
But when I’m home you feel close by,
I didn’t know that venturing so far from home,
Could make me feel more alone.

It’s not a rational way to feel,
You are with me always as I heal,
I feel your love surrounding me,
Like a hug I cannot see.

I wish that as the flight ascends,
I could visit you in heaven,
Or touch you on a shining star,
Instead of gazing upward from afar.

Fanciful concepts that are not true,
But lovely imaginings as I think of you,
You are actually very near,
Living in a different sphere.

Help me to enjoy this vacation,
And think of you in celebration,
Because we are never really apart,
You are with me in every beat of my heart.

No Right or Wrong

There are no shortcuts when in grief,
The wound is much too deep,
Like learning to live without a limb,
You somehow manage to go on,
But you are always aware of what is gone.

There is no right or wrong way in mourning,
Emotions often give no warning,
You can be functioning normally,
The next minute sobbing uncontrollably.

If you just want to go to bed, go ahead,
If you want to eat ice cream,
Feel free, by all means,
Don't let people tell you what to do,
They can only imagine what you're going through.

And if they knew the reality,
They would be on their knees,
For me, there is no greater pain,
Than knowing I won't see my son again,
No longer able to give him my love and care,
Is almost more than I can bear.

Somehow the days go by,
And I can only try,
To slowly build my life anew,
Without the physical presence of you.

I know the body is not the whole,
I just miss you so,
If I could have but one wish,
It would be to have you here to hug and kiss.

Despite the anguish now a part of me,
For the dreams we will not see,
I am grateful for the years,
You enriched our lives while you were here.

I wouldn't trade a single day,
For nothing will ever outweigh,
The unconditional love we knew,
For every moment we had with you.

Sorrow

Sorrow has become a second skin,

I am learning to find acceptance within,

A new layer, an added depth,

Bound by the tears that I’ve wept.

Unfathomable, the tragic cost,

When your beloved child is lost,

Your heart literally aches,

Torn apart in heartbreak.

Other losses compound this pain,

So many things in my life have changed,

The hopes and dreams I thought would be,

Are gone or laced with uncertainty.

We were almost living a fairy tale,

A beautiful family where all went well,

Our future looked positive and bright,

Filled with happiness and light.

I am a mother with a broken smile,

Who held my children’s hands for awhile,

One child has died, the other is on her own,

I never thought to be this alone.

Losses make you much more aware,

That everyone has crosses to bear,

I pray daily for God’s healing embrace,

Supported in heavenly love and grace.

Thoughts of You

When in grief so very deep,
I often wonder how to keep,
The sense of joy I used to have,
When life did not seem so bad.

Your smiles, your laugh, your handsome face,
Are always there for me to trace;
No matter what I do each day,
Thoughts of you always stay.

Precious boy, unlimited joy,
You were a gift to treasure forever;
Time and space will not replace,
The love that was ours to discover.

Balloons of Love

     The Bereaved Parents USA/Northern Virginia chapter held their 3rd annual Memory Walk, Picnic and Balloon Release on Sunday.  My husband and I attended for the first time.  It was a very meaningful event.  There is a connection that goes beyond words between bereaved parents.

     I read a couple of my poems as part of the program before the balloon release.  I was so pleased that the words came to me for this poem.  My husband took a lot of wonderful pictures.  Here is a picture of the balloons soaring to our children.  We celebrate their lives and love!

Today under a  clear blue sky,
Wiping tears from our eyes,
We will release our balloons,
 Commemorating lives gone too soon.

On wings of love we set them free,
For our angel children to see,
Floating through space and time,
Past the staircase we wish we could climb.

A symbolic gesture that helps us to heal,
From the sorrow that we feel,
Another means for us to say,
You live in our hearts every day.

Balloons filled with laughter, balloons filled with tears,
Balloons filled with memories for the time you were here,
Dancing in the sunlight on currents of air,
Brimming with thanks for all that we shared.

We imagine our children on the other side,
Catching the balloons as they glide,
Red and yellow, purple and gold,
They know which balloon is theirs to hold.

We know our children are happy, they are dancing now too,
And we want to always celebrate you,
Forever our daughters, forever our sons,
Only temporarily parted, our precious ones.